When Love is Wrong.....?

What happens when you fall in love with the wrong person? Who warns us how to detect when your heart is falling into the lap of someone who is not ready to accept your gift? As a parent we are so focused on giving our love to our babies that it is so easy to disregard the love that we need for ourselves. I have found being a parent has made me more willing to love, but has taken away some of my expectation of the love I should receive in return. I deserve as much as I give, we all do. No relationship is easy and nothing comes without hard work. Finding that person who will forgive you for your idiotic faults and you forgiving them as well for their misguided conceptions is what is important. This of course would be ideal, but what happens when you find yourself loving so hard and caring so much but not receiving it in return? How do you stop?

We are taught as mothers to love unconditionally. If our children yelled they hated us and spit in our faces as adults we would be there for them like the father of the prodigal son when they returned. This is how we are made as mothers. But then we are told that is not acceptable in romantic love, that you cannot take, take, take until you are beaten down to a pulp. In fact, romantic love should always be perfect bliss.... but its not.... in the real world people go through their issues and what matters is when all those things are past you all can still have the same relationship you did prior. And better yet if it is stronger than it was before! 

I fell in love. For the longest I have been telling myself it was with the wrong person but now I see it differently. It wasn’t the person who was wrong it was the timing. I feel like one day we could be together and HAPPY. For now I have to give the needed space and love in spite of the differences or events, because I’m a mother and I have learned what unconditional love means. Maybe I have learned it sooner than some, but it isn’t a form of love that is unlearnable by those who are not parents. They just have to have the desire to be taught.

Stop the Abuse!

Beguiled, by a wicked smile, a lil charm,

Promised her safety, from everything but your own harm,

Your love meant only to be pleased by she,

Being a man was something you were to weak to be,

Rather your toys broken... perfection was too hard to see,

Lie to yourself, so when spoken feels like reality,

Denial the only way to escape a mental fatality,

She wants to leave? Make her stay, Give her a 9 month load to carry,

Maybe if she's bound in your chains enough you might marry,

Forever a slave? To your misery until she is wary.

Not enough? Not close. Take away her worth,

You have no purpose in life, so she must also feel like dirt,

Tearing her down to keep her looking up at you,

Powerless? not an option.... its a reminder of what you cannot do,

Speaking unkind words lashing out so she can hate herself too.

STOP the Abuse! Emotional Abuse is as bad as physical it may not leave a bruise on your body but it leaves one on your soul! 

Healing Part 2

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” – Tori Amos

No one is saying that choosing to heal is easy… but it is a choice, and yes, it does take courage. But why put off for later what you so desperately need now? The past is gone and the present is all you have. What’s coming to you is the future… wouldn’t it be nice to look out for your future self and do the hard stuff now? Trust me, you will be thankful you did.

Take courage. Try. No excuses. Your wellbeing and long term happiness is your reason why. Choose to be healed today.

I took this from the blog connected with Daddy Broke My Heart Project. There site is:

http://keilaharris.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/courage-to-heal

&

www.dbmhproject.org

Healing

In the moment no thought in my hastiness, 
I got a piece a portion of its tastiness,
Not yet swallowed before it turned sour within,
Not yet forgotten before the feel of it caused crawling on my skin,
Feeling nauseous but my body wouldn't purge,
Wanting relief but resisting the urge, 
Hating what I want but wanting more,
Tryna heal the heart that went from aching to sore, 
Enough is enough mind over matter,
Forgotten that my mind was lost when my heart was shattered,
Pretense, dishonesty, protecting myself from me,
Courageous, building strength is what i rather be,
Getting a glimpse of the freedom from this disease,
No longer needing a remedy to put myself at ease,
Blissful in the thought of being free,
Free from the idea that I'm the one unworthy.

#insecurities #healing2013

“Opposing Sides”

Why is it that the woman who want the father in the child's life are the ones who have the dads who are M.I.A and the girls who gives the guy a hard time have the dads who want to be there? Is it that guys just likes doing the OPPOSITE of what the girl wants or is it just a coincidence? I see this ALL the time and it saddens me. Why is it so easy for a man to walk away from his child with the must petty excuse. I commend the father’s who stick around and parent the child even if he is not with the mother, but if you’re in a similar situation that I am in then the father isn’t around and even at some point you might of felt as if it was your fault he was not. Maybe you even tried to encourage him to be around by sending pictures and asking if he wanted to see his child over webcam. I know I did. 

What you need to remember is it is not up to you whether or not he decides to co-parent with you. He has the last say in the matter. Even if the woman is giving him a hard time if he wants to be there HE WILL BE. Its not right for her to make it hard but his love for his child will make him do what he has to do... perfect example is the movie "Daddy's Little Girls” written by Tyler Perry. It shows a father struggling to do the right thing, but who never quits because of his love for his children. If you are a true parent you will fight for your right to be a parent to your child. The problem is children are nowadays being born so often into a world that was not ready for them. What was a stress-free romantic relationship has now turned into a responsibility one that many men are not ready for. As woman we tend to me more connected with our child through the pregnancy process and it is a lot harder for us to be able to walk away. For guys not so much in fact a lot of them walk away without blinking it seems and why is this? Should they even have that choice just because they weren’t ready? Was I ready to have a child? No, but I made it work, because it was my responsibility at that point. Unfortunately men have pride and they do not know how to admit to not having a clue. Someone told me, “Some people lack the courage it takes to admit their inefficiencies. We would like to be big enough to be honest with people about how we really feel, but that's difficult to accomplish when you're being dishonest with yourself. It would be wonderful if everyone were straightforward enough to outwardly admit that we don't want to be there for our children, but that takes guts...” And indeed it does. We think it. All the time. But have you ever opened your mouth and said, “I’m tired of being a mother. I hate not having the freedom I use to. I love my kid but sometimes I wish they would disappear!” Of course you probably haven’t but it is completely normal to feel that way. Trouble is some men are too proud to admit to being scared, or nervous instead they use anything they can as an excuse for not being there. In then end there is NO excuse. 

One thing I have come to grips with is the fact that as long as my child’s father still wants me back and is offended at the decision I made to leave him we will never truly agree on anything. Do I make it hard for him on purpose? Of course I don’t I just express myself like I would to anyone, but there is a pattern I have noticed in my ex and I am sure it is the same for most cases.

When he is trying to win me back during those moments of weakness where he remembers how I made him feel and he wants to have me again he can be the most understanding person in the world. He agrees with everything I say even admitting to the fact he was an asshole and still at times can still be one. We have good conversation and its so pleasant sometimes I don’t want to get off the phone, because I know it will only last for a moment. Soon he’ll be mad at me again and forget all the things he said. He will cuss at me and say how much he dislikes me, but its okay. I am use to this change in emotion that I call the “circle effect”. He gets to a point where I almost want to believe he has changed and then he circles on back right to the way he was before. I can appreciate the fact he hasn’t gotten worse, but I am highly aware that he has gotten no where near better either.

So how to we handle the “mood swings”. We don’t. You cannot allow yourself to care enough to try to work with him. Just see him for what he truly is even when you have that ten minute long conversation without yelling. Treat him like a child who will promise good behavior only to forget a moment later and act up.

Living for the Future, Not the Past

“Forgiveness”

I did a restorative justice training and the focus is on healing and righting wrongs in the community. While learning about the methods used to help others with their problems I started to self-evaluate myself. Who are the people in my life where situations have occurred that require healing? I began to think of individuals and all the reason why I haven't forgiven them when I realized it wasn't about them and their mistakes against me. It was about myself. Have we ever closely analyzed the things that were done to us that hurt us? What was our part in it.... once we accept the past and realize that some fault lies with us as well it becomes a lot easier to forgive the other person.

Is forgiving ourselves easy? No. In fact its the hardest thing I've ever done. For months I woke up angry and hurt over things I could not change. In a previous blog post I wrote about the serenity prayer. Accepting the things we cannot change, changing the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. Somethings in our past requires letting go. That is a must in order to be able to forgive. Let it be a lesson learned and a stepping stone to becoming a better person. This is a letter I recently wrote to my ex who I let hatred build in my heart for:

After taking 20 hours of training in restorative justice this last weekend I learned a lot about healing and moving on. I thought of the people in my life that have affected me and I thought of my hatred towards you. I been knowing for awhile now that my disgust towards you was a deeper issue... it had more to do with the disgust with myself. I know I can not flourish in my life, my career, as a mother and in my future if I do not forgive you but theres a bigger issue cuz i have yet to forgive myself... to forgive myself for ever liking you, for not listening to the people around me when they said i shouldn’t mess with you, for giving my body to you instead of making you wait to test your “love”, for not dumping you that first time you pushed me onto the floor, for not moving home after the time you dragged my friend out of my car, for letting you get me pregnant that night, for letting you constantly make me feel bad and worthless for not pleasing you when at times you didnt even know what you wanted, for being too understanding, for THINKING you changed and constantly letting myself be disappointed and mostly for ever loving and caring for you more than you did for me. I have to forgive myself. And I do. I finally do. Im at peace with it. I no longer care about what u did to me because I dont want to live in the past when my future is looking so damn good! ....Im not mad anymore. Im glad Im raising Lucas alone because I could be having to forgive myself for raising him with YOU. I am doing the best thing I can right now. Im done with this whole situation and even writing this makes me feel so much lighter, cuz for once i dont wish ill on you because I just dont care. It never had anything to do with you to begin with. 

I forgive me.

Now forgiving YOU is that much easier.

Evaluate your own relationships old or new. Remember that forgiveness is not a gift you give to others.... its the greatest gift you can give to yourself!

Serenity Prayer

“Serenity Prayer”

“Don’t you f@*$ threaten me! Your just a f$@* little girl!” Those words are stuck in my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Its not that I think they are true, but the fact that the father of my child said them to ME. I would of never thought a year and a half ago today those words would escape his mouth and some how I feel between then and now I’m the one who failed. No matter who tells me otherwise I can’t help but blame myself for making the mistake of ever trusting his smile, and believing him when he said he loved me. So how to I rid myself of the guilt that I am the reason that my son is being raised by a single mother? How do I make the right decisions regarding him without being emotional and spiteful against his father. I know I am not alone is this struggle. It is hard trying to be strong and pretend like everything is okay because it is not. That is the first step to accepting where you are in life at this point.

Acknowledge that you are weak. Admit to being scared. Vent to someone you trust but most importantly accept the things you cannot change! Quote the serenity prayer as many times as you need. I find myself constantly reminding myself of it. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer maybe simple to say but it is difficult to actually do which is why I have to continue to remind myself.

First, “things I cannot change” how should we define that? Well for starters everything that has happened before NOW. There is no point in stressing over things that have already happened. That means do not beat yourself up over a decision you made a week ago. You just need to learn from it and move on. I myself am not a perfect person and there are plenty of times I could of handle something better but what’s done is done and now I must move on. So, leaving the past in the past what else would be something we cannot change? People. No matter how you may try you cannot change anyone. The way your child’s father is will remain the way he will be unless he decides to change and the doesn't mean you telling him he needs to because more than likely hearing anything  positive from you will make them want to do the opposite. It doesn’t work in your favor believe me. Once you accept the fact he is a thorn in your side his behavior will no longer get to you as much as it did before.

Take a good look at your own individual life. Write a list of the things you cannot change and why you cannot change and them even if it may seem obvious it will help you accept it. You may think doing this would be depressing but it is actually liberating. It can show you that everything is indeed not your fault because even if you wanted to do something about it you cannot. It is out of your hands hence it isn't a burden you should be carrying.

Secondly, “change the things I can” hopefully by doing what I mentioned first you can now see more clearly the things you can change. The most important thing is to change your attitude towards the situation you are in. Being bitter about things you cannot change will make you miserable! Hating someone who is going to being your life for another 18+ years is wasted energy. No, I am not saying be their best friend, but you cannot let yourself be so bothered by the things they do it begins to affect your everyday life and if they catch on that what they do matters to you they will stop at nothing to continue to piss you off. So if you must lie to yourself and say you do not care until it becomes a reality. When I first found out my ex was talking to another woman it bothered me. I didn’t love him anymore and I didn’t want him but the fact he no longer was trying to win me back hurt me. Maybe it was just a blow to my ego or maybe I wanted to see him suffer wanting his whole life to pay him back for all the hurt he has caused me. Whatever reason it was didn’t matter I knew I had to get over it so I lied and said, “Good for him! I’m glad he is talking to someone else at least now he will leave me alone. I had a feeling he was because he hasn’t been bothering me so much lately.” Although not true at the time about a month later it was! Fake it till you make it! Thats how you change your attitude about ANYTHING!

The other things that you can change in your life to make things better may seem so far out of reach since you are so busy taking care of a baby or a toddler and since you do not want to be disappointed by not being able to reach your goals a lot of times just not doing it is easier! Thats why it takes courage. You can get there but you have to start somewhere. Whether its going back to school, searching for that good job, or just never settling! We deserve the best just like anyone else. 

Lastly, “the wisdom to know the difference” is just tying the first two things together. You have to know your limitations and sometimes even if we can change something it might be wise to just leave it be. Choose your battles. A wise man does not go looking for problems. He deals with the ones he has to.

Dysfunctional Love

This is a poem I wrote three years ago as a daughter to her father. Now that I have a son I can only imagine the hurt he will feel from his father not being there when he is older. I am thankful every day that I had a boy though. Because a girl without her dad is a girl without a definition of love, a boy without a dad is a boy w/o a hero, but at least another hero can take his place.


"Dysfunctional Love"

My first love was my daddy, he held my heart in his hands.
When he sat and listened he taught me love understands.
My first love was my father, I was daddy’s little girl,
When he gave me his time, He was giving me the world,
My first love was dad, my earliest memories revolved around him,
I’d give him my all if he asked me, doting to his every whim,
My first love let me down, When he walked away that day,
HE taught me try as hard as you will, but love won’t stay,
My first love scarred me, gave me this new perception,
That to love means to hurt, to have to live with deception,
My first love took a part of my heart, and was too selfish to see,
While he was hurting my mother, he was slowly killing that piece of me,
My first love let me invest in him, Trying to build up a hopeless case,
Let me love him so much, while he lied to my face,
My first love is still out there, determined to the end he wasn't wrong,
I try to work out my issues, so the damage wont be prolonged,
My first love hardly calls, but I’ve learned to cope,
He taught me well that love revolves around hope,
My first love is fading from my mind, but he’ll always remain,
As the one who seemingly unconsciously gave love a bad name,
My first love showed me something, And now Im aware,
Any man who in any way resembles my first Love to BEWARE
And dad I hope one day you read this and things change for the good
Instead of you thinking this is just another time you’ve been misunderstood,
My daddy, my father, my friend, you were all of the above,
But you also were the man who was my first dysfunctional love.

I love you dad. I wish you knew how to love me.


11/18/09

"Fighting The Lie"

       We have all had moment of insecurity in our lives and if we have strong confidence in ourselves we are able to surpass them. There are those times when the people we love strengthen those insecurities by the things they say to us. If they love us back it is never intentional, but what about the people we have loved that didn't love us back. How can we fight the lies that were told to us to make us feel bad about ourselves. I can't count how many lies my ex told me to make me feel insecure. The things he put into my head to make me feel as if I was the one who had the problem when truthfully he is the one who ruin our relationship.
      I have never met anyone who was so deceived and gave themselves so many excuses for wrong behavior before in my LIFE. In fact, I can't even begin to understand how someone can be so blind that they remain a victim even when they are the one who is hurting others. I never met anyone like this until I met my ex and I am fighting the lies to this day. Its hard when the people who know him believe the lies to. It makes you second guess yourself and wonder if you are INDEED the problem.
      I just recently came from the state he lives in after taking my son there to be with his family. Before I left I was positive that I was strong enough to deal with whatever was thrown at me, but while there and after being around him I began to feel like I was once again being sucked into a black hole of insecurity and second guessing myself and I realized... This man will NEVER change, but I MUST. In order for me to deal with him being the father of my child for the rest of my son's life I have to stop being victimized by him! If he wants to play the victim, let him. But I cannot allow myself to be one. "Life is too short to have a victim mentality, Say to yourself 'I am not going to be bitter, I am going to be better'" ~Unknown. That is exactly what I plan to do! I refuse to be the VICTIM and I refuse to be BITTER because at the end of the day we CHOOSE happiness and in order to stay happy I have to let the things that make me sad GO.

     So, I have let HIM go.... no more trying to co-parent with someone who is slowly destroying me. My son is too young to even appreciate my efforts, so for now i will focus on bettering myself and being more confident again. Not hiding behind false conceit! I must say its only been two weeks and I feel amazing. So if you are struggling with fighting lies, stop fighting.... and just LET IT GO. You will be amazed at how much happier you feel. 

"Being a student, While being a mom"

So, I have started school this semester, after being out of school for about a year and a half! I was ecstatic to start back, but that excitement was short lived. The many hours studying and writing for my TWO classes seem so much when I will be taking FIVE this fall. I have no idea how I will manage! In fact, it scares me. Being a mom and being a student keeps me so extremely busy I find myself falling asleep while my boy is in my arms. I just keep telling myself that only one year of this and I will have my bachelors degree. Thankfully my son is well behaved. Even as I studied in this picture reading my assigned reading he played with the wipes and chewed on it the ENTIRE TIME. By the time he had enough it was time for his nap which gave me the perfect opportunity to finish what I started. I am more than thankful for a son who is so happy and doesn't require a lot of attention. Although it may be hard, it could be so much worse!

First Days in China

Flight from Tokyo to Shanghai

     After a very long trip, we finally arrived in Shanghai, China. The hotel is gorgeous and extremely comfortable and after a nice long shower I went to bed, but not before skyping my baby boy Lucas which I plan to do every night if possible. Seeing all the cute asian babies on the streets of the market places we visited made me miss my baby even more! I want to hold him right now cuddled up giving him all my kisses, but seeing him happy and well taken care of has put my mind at ease.

Skyping my baby

    On today's tour 3 things caught my attention: the "high-style man", is the first. A professional man who comes home from work, cooks and clean while the wife sits back and does whatever she wants! Now if that aint the life!! Im going to try my best to bring one of these "high-style men" home to the U.S. with me ;-).

Breakfast

     Another thing I noticed is that some people still live in very old housing that hasn't been replaced like the other buildings with high rise apartment buildings. They have no bathrooms so during the day time they go to public places and at night they use a chamber pot. I couldn't imagine. Also NO where in Shanghai do people own dryers. Not even the wealthy they just hang up there clothes! Come to think of it that probably saves a TON of money economically. As a family we just went almost 6 months without a dryer and even though it was inconvenient I am sure it cut our electric bill. Something to indeed think about in the summer.

Last but not least... the CELEBRITY status... if u want to feel famous come to China. I have to of had my picture taken 50+ times and stared at continuously throughout the entire day. At one point their was a line of about 20 people trying to take me and my sisters picture!! At first it felt good then it started to become overwhelming.... just to think we still have 11 days to go. I guess its not easy living on the top ^_^

“Happy Baby 6 days VS. Sad Baby 7 days"

        My sister is a traveler. She has been to a lot of places. So after her return from her last trip out of the country I told her I wanted to be apart of the next. So I saved my money to go. Finally last year we decided 2012 would be our time, but also last year I found out I was pregnant....

I think all mothers when their baby is first born struggle with the feeling of guilt when first leaving them with a friend or family member to go out. Especially if the activity you are participating in isn’t recreational and not something you necessarily HAVE to do! The first time I went to a doctor’s appointment I felt guilty! I was rushing back home to see if my baby was alright. The first time I went OUT and stayed gone the whole night for my birthday I woke up at 7 a.m. to pump my breast-milk, sitting on the floor, head down near tears because I missed my baby so much and felt so bad for leaving him.

I am sure that you after having a baby have also had your moments of  guilt and maybe still do! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be there for your baby, but as mothers I think we forget to be there for ourselves! How can we make our baby happy if we are unhappy? I never want to look at my son and feel like he is the reason why I never get to go out when truthfully I am the one who won’t leave him even though he would be in perfectly good hands. So let me ask you, would you rather your baby be happy six days out of the week or an unhappy baby 7 days a week? Now in all honestly that baby is going to be happy without you anyway, but what you don’t want is for your child to enjoy being away from you more than being with you because you are always in a sour mood, tired, stressed and whatever it is you need a break to help clear your mind from. 

So my request to all you mommies is to give yourself some ME time. It isn’t a crime. You are NOT being selfish. In fact, you are taking care of yourself for your little one. When you come back from your little get away with your girls or a social gathering believe me you will give your baby enough love to make up for the small amount of time you were gone! 

     

        Now my trip isn't a small getaway. Its actually a 14 day tour in CHINA. So imagine the guilt I am feeling!! I am just SO glad I prepared myself little by little for this vacation. Even though the closer I get the more I hold tight to my little boy knowing I will miss him DREADFULLY, but this opportunity is vital for me. I'm not rolling in money and this trip was only possible through a great GROUPON deal that me and my sister were more than ecstatic to find. Once in a lifetime occasion, I may never get to go back! When I come home my little boy won't even realized how long I had been gone and he will greet me with that amazing toothless grin. As for me, I will be ten times happier making my baby just as happy!

So.... I can’t stress enough how important it is to LOVE ourselves.  Don’t mistake that for selfishness, because although I may go out and take time off from motherhood for a few hours, in THIS case days, I don’t ever take time off from loving my son. His NEEDS will forever come before my WANTS. That is just apart of being a mom.

“Yearning for Independence"

I am an independent minded person. I love when people do for me, but I always want to be able to do for myself. I first moved out when I was 17. I did fine and could of stayed gone, but I ran into some drama and wanted to move back home, or so I thought. Not even a year later I was ready to leave again. Unfortunately, the next time I left I got pregnant by my child’s father and things weren’t going well for us. Even though I wanted badly to stay on my own, I had to do what was best for my baby. Moving home gave my son a stable environment. I did it for him! 

Living at home isn’t easy. If your situation is like mine you know what I mean. The feeling of being dependent is a low blow to the self-esteem. All I think of is how it will be like when I get my own place and can actually afford it. It can be discouraging at times just thinking about how long it will take me to get that independence back since now I have to get it for not only myself, but my baby too. Everything is more complicated now.

Before having a child I could live paycheck to paycheck with no worries. If I lost my job a friend could take me in. Any couch or floor could be my home for a week or two while I got back on my feet. That of course isn’t even an option now. If my son doesn’t have to experience that i wont put him through it just because of my selfish desire to be on my own.

It doesn’t help when you have constant reminders that you aren’t where you need to be in life. I refuse to take it out on my son. He is NOT the reason why I am so behind. He didn’t ask to be here. I put him here. I love him enough to make this sacrifice, its just hard when the people you care about and who are supporting you make you feel as if you did something wrong by making the right choice.

For instance, I don’t go out often, but when I do my mother feels like she is ENTITLED to knowing where I go and who I am with. If I lived on my own she wouldn’t know any of that! If I want to do something I know she won’t approve of do I just lie to be able to enjoy myself for a night since she is VERY conservative ANYTHING i’d do wouldn't be acceptable to her. I hate that she makes me feel trapped and knowing I have to be here because I have my son.

 I’ll never regret having my son, but I do regret not being prepared for his arrival. I have been through so much in such a little time, but I know it won’t be this way forever. I am still young and I will make it through this. Apart of being a good parent is being responsible so no matter how trapped I feel I will remain dependent until Independence is the safest and wisest move for my child, because he deserves the best!  Where I am at now is the best I can offer!

“Surviving the 'Ex'"

Why is it that the woman who want the father in the child's life are the ones who have the dads who are M.I.A and the girls who give the guy a hard time have the dads who want to be there? Is it that guys just likes doing the OPPOSITE of what the girl wants or is it just a coincidence? I see this ALL the time and it saddens me. Why is it so easy for a man to walk away from his child with the most petty excuse. I commend the father’s who stick around and parent the child even if he is not with the mother, but if you’re in a similar situation that I am in then the father isn’t around and even at some point you might of felt as if it was your fault he was not. Maybe you even tried to encourage him to be around by sending pictures and asking if he wanted to see his child over webcam. I know I did. 

What you need to remember is it is not up to you whether or not he decides to co-parent with you. He has the last say in the matter. Even if the woman is giving him a hard time if he wants to be there HE WILL BE. Its not right for her to make it hard but his love for his child will make him do what he has to do... perfect example is the movie "Daddy's Little Girls” written by Tyler Perry. It shows a father struggling to do the right thing, but who never quits because of his love for his children. If you are a true parent you will fight for your right to be a parent to your child. The problem is children are nowadays being born so often into a world that was not ready for them. What was a stress-free romantic relationship has now turned into a responsibility one that many men are not ready for. As woman we tend to be more connected with our child through the pregnancy process and it is a lot harder for us to be able to walk away. For guys not so much in fact a lot of them walk away without blinking it seems and why is this? Should they even have that choice just because they weren’t ready? Was I ready to have a child? No, but I made it work, because it was my responsibility at that point. Unfortunately men have pride and they do not know how to admit to not having a clue. Someone told me, “Some people lack the courage it takes to admit their inefficiencies. We would like to be big enough to be honest with people about how we really feel, but that's difficult to accomplish when you're being dishonest with yourself. It would be wonderful if everyone were straightforward enough to outwardly admit that we don't want to be there for our children, but that takes guts...” And indeed it does. We think it. All the time. But have you ever opened your mouth and said, “I’m tired of being a mother. I hate not having the freedom I use to. I love my kid but sometimes I wish they would disappear!” Of course you probably haven’t but it is completely normal to feel that way. Trouble is some men are too proud to admit to being scared, or nervous instead they use anything they can as an excuse for not being there. In the end there is NO excuse. 

One thing I have came to grips with is the fact that as long as my child’s father still wants me back and is offended at the decision I made to leave him we will never truly agree on anything. Do I make it hard for him on purpose? Of course I don’t I just express myself like I would to anyone, but there is a pattern I have noticed in my ex and I am sure it is the same for most cases.

When he is trying to win me back during those moments of weakness where he remembers how I made him feel and he wants to have me again he can be the most understanding person in the world. He agrees with everything I say even admitting to the fact he was a jerk and still at times can still be one. We have good conversation and its so pleasant sometimes I don’t want to get off the phone, because I know it will only last for a moment. Soon he’ll be mad at me again and forget all the things he said. He will cuss at me and say how much he dislikes me, but its okay. I am use to this change in emotion that I call the “circle effect”. He gets to a point where I almost want to believe he has changed and then he circles on back right to the way he was before. I can appreciate the fact he hasn’t gotten worse, but I am highly aware that he has gotten no where near better either.

So how do we handle the “mood swings”. We don’t. You cannot allow yourself to care enough to try to work with him. Just see him for what he truly is even when you have that ten minute long conversation without yelling. Treat him like a child who will promise good behavior only to forget a moment later and act up.

"Daycare"

I was raised with a mother who was always at home. She was a homemaker and as I grew older I decided I wanted that for my children as well. I thought it was very important for me to be there and raise my children when the time came for me to have a family. My husband would go to work with a packed lunch I had made for him wearing a suit, carrying a suitcase and kissing me as he walked out the door. Does that sound old fashion to you? Well, it is. There was nothing wrong with me having that desire, but unfortunately in many cases now that isn't happening in the homes of our society. Despite it not being a mainstream idea anymore I wanted it badly. My life as a dedicated mother and wife would be the most fulfilling of them all. So tell me... WHY did i just come back from a interview at a daycare that I will more than likely be taking my son to? 

       Life happens. Things change. As much as it kills me I cannot do what I wanted so badly too and raise my child without outside help. My husband isn't coming home with his suit jacket over his arm and handing me a check. In fact, where is my husband? I do not have one and the father of my child isn’t even around. What I thought would be a love that blossomed into a loving home was just my desire for something beautiful blinding me from seeing the awful truth. Which leads back to me having to put my son in daycare! 

Don’t get me wrong not all daycare facilities are bad. It isn’t that everyone out there is a creep and i have to protect my child. It’s just the feeling of not being able to do your job as a mother and raise your child. That someone else has to help you do your job. Not to mention the fact all the bad habits my son will pick up from the other kids at the daycare and make my job harder at disciplining him properly. 

In the end I have to remind myself that I am doing everything I can for my boy. If I could stay at home with him I most certainly would. I have to remind myself that the reason I am leaving is not because I want to leave him, but because I have to. Everything I do is so he can live happily and comfortably. I also have to remember that I am being his mother AND his father. I am the man coming home from work with the check in hand and I am also the mother sending her child off to school with a kiss. This does not make me by no means less than a mother who just stays home. In fact, it makes me stronger. While he is in daycare I will strive to be able to one day stay home and be a full-time mother, but until then I will make it my business to find the best daycare there is to care for my son while I work to make both our lives good. Daycare isn’t the end. It is just the beginning and I have to start some where.