Stop the Abuse!

Beguiled, by a wicked smile, a lil charm,

Promised her safety, from everything but your own harm,

Your love meant only to be pleased by she,

Being a man was something you were to weak to be,

Rather your toys broken... perfection was too hard to see,

Lie to yourself, so when spoken feels like reality,

Denial the only way to escape a mental fatality,

She wants to leave? Make her stay, Give her a 9 month load to carry,

Maybe if she's bound in your chains enough you might marry,

Forever a slave? To your misery until she is wary.

Not enough? Not close. Take away her worth,

You have no purpose in life, so she must also feel like dirt,

Tearing her down to keep her looking up at you,

Powerless? not an option.... its a reminder of what you cannot do,

Speaking unkind words lashing out so she can hate herself too.

STOP the Abuse! Emotional Abuse is as bad as physical it may not leave a bruise on your body but it leaves one on your soul! 

Living for the Future, Not the Past

“Forgiveness”

I did a restorative justice training and the focus is on healing and righting wrongs in the community. While learning about the methods used to help others with their problems I started to self-evaluate myself. Who are the people in my life where situations have occurred that require healing? I began to think of individuals and all the reason why I haven't forgiven them when I realized it wasn't about them and their mistakes against me. It was about myself. Have we ever closely analyzed the things that were done to us that hurt us? What was our part in it.... once we accept the past and realize that some fault lies with us as well it becomes a lot easier to forgive the other person.

Is forgiving ourselves easy? No. In fact its the hardest thing I've ever done. For months I woke up angry and hurt over things I could not change. In a previous blog post I wrote about the serenity prayer. Accepting the things we cannot change, changing the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. Somethings in our past requires letting go. That is a must in order to be able to forgive. Let it be a lesson learned and a stepping stone to becoming a better person. This is a letter I recently wrote to my ex who I let hatred build in my heart for:

After taking 20 hours of training in restorative justice this last weekend I learned a lot about healing and moving on. I thought of the people in my life that have affected me and I thought of my hatred towards you. I been knowing for awhile now that my disgust towards you was a deeper issue... it had more to do with the disgust with myself. I know I can not flourish in my life, my career, as a mother and in my future if I do not forgive you but theres a bigger issue cuz i have yet to forgive myself... to forgive myself for ever liking you, for not listening to the people around me when they said i shouldn’t mess with you, for giving my body to you instead of making you wait to test your “love”, for not dumping you that first time you pushed me onto the floor, for not moving home after the time you dragged my friend out of my car, for letting you get me pregnant that night, for letting you constantly make me feel bad and worthless for not pleasing you when at times you didnt even know what you wanted, for being too understanding, for THINKING you changed and constantly letting myself be disappointed and mostly for ever loving and caring for you more than you did for me. I have to forgive myself. And I do. I finally do. Im at peace with it. I no longer care about what u did to me because I dont want to live in the past when my future is looking so damn good! ....Im not mad anymore. Im glad Im raising Lucas alone because I could be having to forgive myself for raising him with YOU. I am doing the best thing I can right now. Im done with this whole situation and even writing this makes me feel so much lighter, cuz for once i dont wish ill on you because I just dont care. It never had anything to do with you to begin with. 

I forgive me.

Now forgiving YOU is that much easier.

Evaluate your own relationships old or new. Remember that forgiveness is not a gift you give to others.... its the greatest gift you can give to yourself!

"Fighting The Lie"

       We have all had moment of insecurity in our lives and if we have strong confidence in ourselves we are able to surpass them. There are those times when the people we love strengthen those insecurities by the things they say to us. If they love us back it is never intentional, but what about the people we have loved that didn't love us back. How can we fight the lies that were told to us to make us feel bad about ourselves. I can't count how many lies my ex told me to make me feel insecure. The things he put into my head to make me feel as if I was the one who had the problem when truthfully he is the one who ruin our relationship.
      I have never met anyone who was so deceived and gave themselves so many excuses for wrong behavior before in my LIFE. In fact, I can't even begin to understand how someone can be so blind that they remain a victim even when they are the one who is hurting others. I never met anyone like this until I met my ex and I am fighting the lies to this day. Its hard when the people who know him believe the lies to. It makes you second guess yourself and wonder if you are INDEED the problem.
      I just recently came from the state he lives in after taking my son there to be with his family. Before I left I was positive that I was strong enough to deal with whatever was thrown at me, but while there and after being around him I began to feel like I was once again being sucked into a black hole of insecurity and second guessing myself and I realized... This man will NEVER change, but I MUST. In order for me to deal with him being the father of my child for the rest of my son's life I have to stop being victimized by him! If he wants to play the victim, let him. But I cannot allow myself to be one. "Life is too short to have a victim mentality, Say to yourself 'I am not going to be bitter, I am going to be better'" ~Unknown. That is exactly what I plan to do! I refuse to be the VICTIM and I refuse to be BITTER because at the end of the day we CHOOSE happiness and in order to stay happy I have to let the things that make me sad GO.

     So, I have let HIM go.... no more trying to co-parent with someone who is slowly destroying me. My son is too young to even appreciate my efforts, so for now i will focus on bettering myself and being more confident again. Not hiding behind false conceit! I must say its only been two weeks and I feel amazing. So if you are struggling with fighting lies, stop fighting.... and just LET IT GO. You will be amazed at how much happier you feel. 

“Yearning for Independence"

I am an independent minded person. I love when people do for me, but I always want to be able to do for myself. I first moved out when I was 17. I did fine and could of stayed gone, but I ran into some drama and wanted to move back home, or so I thought. Not even a year later I was ready to leave again. Unfortunately, the next time I left I got pregnant by my child’s father and things weren’t going well for us. Even though I wanted badly to stay on my own, I had to do what was best for my baby. Moving home gave my son a stable environment. I did it for him! 

Living at home isn’t easy. If your situation is like mine you know what I mean. The feeling of being dependent is a low blow to the self-esteem. All I think of is how it will be like when I get my own place and can actually afford it. It can be discouraging at times just thinking about how long it will take me to get that independence back since now I have to get it for not only myself, but my baby too. Everything is more complicated now.

Before having a child I could live paycheck to paycheck with no worries. If I lost my job a friend could take me in. Any couch or floor could be my home for a week or two while I got back on my feet. That of course isn’t even an option now. If my son doesn’t have to experience that i wont put him through it just because of my selfish desire to be on my own.

It doesn’t help when you have constant reminders that you aren’t where you need to be in life. I refuse to take it out on my son. He is NOT the reason why I am so behind. He didn’t ask to be here. I put him here. I love him enough to make this sacrifice, its just hard when the people you care about and who are supporting you make you feel as if you did something wrong by making the right choice.

For instance, I don’t go out often, but when I do my mother feels like she is ENTITLED to knowing where I go and who I am with. If I lived on my own she wouldn’t know any of that! If I want to do something I know she won’t approve of do I just lie to be able to enjoy myself for a night since she is VERY conservative ANYTHING i’d do wouldn't be acceptable to her. I hate that she makes me feel trapped and knowing I have to be here because I have my son.

 I’ll never regret having my son, but I do regret not being prepared for his arrival. I have been through so much in such a little time, but I know it won’t be this way forever. I am still young and I will make it through this. Apart of being a good parent is being responsible so no matter how trapped I feel I will remain dependent until Independence is the safest and wisest move for my child, because he deserves the best!  Where I am at now is the best I can offer!

“Surviving the 'Ex'"

Why is it that the woman who want the father in the child's life are the ones who have the dads who are M.I.A and the girls who give the guy a hard time have the dads who want to be there? Is it that guys just likes doing the OPPOSITE of what the girl wants or is it just a coincidence? I see this ALL the time and it saddens me. Why is it so easy for a man to walk away from his child with the most petty excuse. I commend the father’s who stick around and parent the child even if he is not with the mother, but if you’re in a similar situation that I am in then the father isn’t around and even at some point you might of felt as if it was your fault he was not. Maybe you even tried to encourage him to be around by sending pictures and asking if he wanted to see his child over webcam. I know I did. 

What you need to remember is it is not up to you whether or not he decides to co-parent with you. He has the last say in the matter. Even if the woman is giving him a hard time if he wants to be there HE WILL BE. Its not right for her to make it hard but his love for his child will make him do what he has to do... perfect example is the movie "Daddy's Little Girls” written by Tyler Perry. It shows a father struggling to do the right thing, but who never quits because of his love for his children. If you are a true parent you will fight for your right to be a parent to your child. The problem is children are nowadays being born so often into a world that was not ready for them. What was a stress-free romantic relationship has now turned into a responsibility one that many men are not ready for. As woman we tend to be more connected with our child through the pregnancy process and it is a lot harder for us to be able to walk away. For guys not so much in fact a lot of them walk away without blinking it seems and why is this? Should they even have that choice just because they weren’t ready? Was I ready to have a child? No, but I made it work, because it was my responsibility at that point. Unfortunately men have pride and they do not know how to admit to not having a clue. Someone told me, “Some people lack the courage it takes to admit their inefficiencies. We would like to be big enough to be honest with people about how we really feel, but that's difficult to accomplish when you're being dishonest with yourself. It would be wonderful if everyone were straightforward enough to outwardly admit that we don't want to be there for our children, but that takes guts...” And indeed it does. We think it. All the time. But have you ever opened your mouth and said, “I’m tired of being a mother. I hate not having the freedom I use to. I love my kid but sometimes I wish they would disappear!” Of course you probably haven’t but it is completely normal to feel that way. Trouble is some men are too proud to admit to being scared, or nervous instead they use anything they can as an excuse for not being there. In the end there is NO excuse. 

One thing I have came to grips with is the fact that as long as my child’s father still wants me back and is offended at the decision I made to leave him we will never truly agree on anything. Do I make it hard for him on purpose? Of course I don’t I just express myself like I would to anyone, but there is a pattern I have noticed in my ex and I am sure it is the same for most cases.

When he is trying to win me back during those moments of weakness where he remembers how I made him feel and he wants to have me again he can be the most understanding person in the world. He agrees with everything I say even admitting to the fact he was a jerk and still at times can still be one. We have good conversation and its so pleasant sometimes I don’t want to get off the phone, because I know it will only last for a moment. Soon he’ll be mad at me again and forget all the things he said. He will cuss at me and say how much he dislikes me, but its okay. I am use to this change in emotion that I call the “circle effect”. He gets to a point where I almost want to believe he has changed and then he circles on back right to the way he was before. I can appreciate the fact he hasn’t gotten worse, but I am highly aware that he has gotten no where near better either.

So how do we handle the “mood swings”. We don’t. You cannot allow yourself to care enough to try to work with him. Just see him for what he truly is even when you have that ten minute long conversation without yelling. Treat him like a child who will promise good behavior only to forget a moment later and act up.