“Forgiveness”
I did a restorative justice training and the focus is on healing and righting wrongs in the community. While learning about the methods used to help others with their problems I started to self-evaluate myself. Who are the people in my life where situations have occurred that require healing? I began to think of individuals and all the reason why I haven't forgiven them when I realized it wasn't about them and their mistakes against me. It was about myself. Have we ever closely analyzed the things that were done to us that hurt us? What was our part in it.... once we accept the past and realize that some fault lies with us as well it becomes a lot easier to forgive the other person.
Is forgiving ourselves easy? No. In fact its the hardest thing I've ever done. For months I woke up angry and hurt over things I could not change. In a previous blog post I wrote about the serenity prayer. Accepting the things we cannot change, changing the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. Somethings in our past requires letting go. That is a must in order to be able to forgive. Let it be a lesson learned and a stepping stone to becoming a better person. This is a letter I recently wrote to my ex who I let hatred build in my heart for:
After taking 20 hours of training in restorative justice this last weekend I learned a lot about healing and moving on. I thought of the people in my life that have affected me and I thought of my hatred towards you. I been knowing for awhile now that my disgust towards you was a deeper issue... it had more to do with the disgust with myself. I know I can not flourish in my life, my career, as a mother and in my future if I do not forgive you but theres a bigger issue cuz i have yet to forgive myself... to forgive myself for ever liking you, for not listening to the people around me when they said i shouldn’t mess with you, for giving my body to you instead of making you wait to test your “love”, for not dumping you that first time you pushed me onto the floor, for not moving home after the time you dragged my friend out of my car, for letting you get me pregnant that night, for letting you constantly make me feel bad and worthless for not pleasing you when at times you didnt even know what you wanted, for being too understanding, for THINKING you changed and constantly letting myself be disappointed and mostly for ever loving and caring for you more than you did for me. I have to forgive myself. And I do. I finally do. Im at peace with it. I no longer care about what u did to me because I dont want to live in the past when my future is looking so damn good! ....Im not mad anymore. Im glad Im raising Lucas alone because I could be having to forgive myself for raising him with YOU. I am doing the best thing I can right now. Im done with this whole situation and even writing this makes me feel so much lighter, cuz for once i dont wish ill on you because I just dont care. It never had anything to do with you to begin with.
I forgive me.
Now forgiving YOU is that much easier.
Evaluate your own relationships old or new. Remember that forgiveness is not a gift you give to others.... its the greatest gift you can give to yourself!
The toughness of a single parent set-up is often internal. It can translate as a lot of unresolved questions and persistent frustrations for some. Only when we break free from these constrictions will we be able to see the ways in which we can move and transcend our current state. Ways which a new domestic set-up can allow, and come to terms with. Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter. Good day!
ReplyDeleteCarlos Strey @ The Bridge Across