Stop the Abuse!

Beguiled, by a wicked smile, a lil charm,

Promised her safety, from everything but your own harm,

Your love meant only to be pleased by she,

Being a man was something you were to weak to be,

Rather your toys broken... perfection was too hard to see,

Lie to yourself, so when spoken feels like reality,

Denial the only way to escape a mental fatality,

She wants to leave? Make her stay, Give her a 9 month load to carry,

Maybe if she's bound in your chains enough you might marry,

Forever a slave? To your misery until she is wary.

Not enough? Not close. Take away her worth,

You have no purpose in life, so she must also feel like dirt,

Tearing her down to keep her looking up at you,

Powerless? not an option.... its a reminder of what you cannot do,

Speaking unkind words lashing out so she can hate herself too.

STOP the Abuse! Emotional Abuse is as bad as physical it may not leave a bruise on your body but it leaves one on your soul! 

Serenity Prayer

“Serenity Prayer”

“Don’t you f@*$ threaten me! Your just a f$@* little girl!” Those words are stuck in my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Its not that I think they are true, but the fact that the father of my child said them to ME. I would of never thought a year and a half ago today those words would escape his mouth and some how I feel between then and now I’m the one who failed. No matter who tells me otherwise I can’t help but blame myself for making the mistake of ever trusting his smile, and believing him when he said he loved me. So how to I rid myself of the guilt that I am the reason that my son is being raised by a single mother? How do I make the right decisions regarding him without being emotional and spiteful against his father. I know I am not alone is this struggle. It is hard trying to be strong and pretend like everything is okay because it is not. That is the first step to accepting where you are in life at this point.

Acknowledge that you are weak. Admit to being scared. Vent to someone you trust but most importantly accept the things you cannot change! Quote the serenity prayer as many times as you need. I find myself constantly reminding myself of it. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer maybe simple to say but it is difficult to actually do which is why I have to continue to remind myself.

First, “things I cannot change” how should we define that? Well for starters everything that has happened before NOW. There is no point in stressing over things that have already happened. That means do not beat yourself up over a decision you made a week ago. You just need to learn from it and move on. I myself am not a perfect person and there are plenty of times I could of handle something better but what’s done is done and now I must move on. So, leaving the past in the past what else would be something we cannot change? People. No matter how you may try you cannot change anyone. The way your child’s father is will remain the way he will be unless he decides to change and the doesn't mean you telling him he needs to because more than likely hearing anything  positive from you will make them want to do the opposite. It doesn’t work in your favor believe me. Once you accept the fact he is a thorn in your side his behavior will no longer get to you as much as it did before.

Take a good look at your own individual life. Write a list of the things you cannot change and why you cannot change and them even if it may seem obvious it will help you accept it. You may think doing this would be depressing but it is actually liberating. It can show you that everything is indeed not your fault because even if you wanted to do something about it you cannot. It is out of your hands hence it isn't a burden you should be carrying.

Secondly, “change the things I can” hopefully by doing what I mentioned first you can now see more clearly the things you can change. The most important thing is to change your attitude towards the situation you are in. Being bitter about things you cannot change will make you miserable! Hating someone who is going to being your life for another 18+ years is wasted energy. No, I am not saying be their best friend, but you cannot let yourself be so bothered by the things they do it begins to affect your everyday life and if they catch on that what they do matters to you they will stop at nothing to continue to piss you off. So if you must lie to yourself and say you do not care until it becomes a reality. When I first found out my ex was talking to another woman it bothered me. I didn’t love him anymore and I didn’t want him but the fact he no longer was trying to win me back hurt me. Maybe it was just a blow to my ego or maybe I wanted to see him suffer wanting his whole life to pay him back for all the hurt he has caused me. Whatever reason it was didn’t matter I knew I had to get over it so I lied and said, “Good for him! I’m glad he is talking to someone else at least now he will leave me alone. I had a feeling he was because he hasn’t been bothering me so much lately.” Although not true at the time about a month later it was! Fake it till you make it! Thats how you change your attitude about ANYTHING!

The other things that you can change in your life to make things better may seem so far out of reach since you are so busy taking care of a baby or a toddler and since you do not want to be disappointed by not being able to reach your goals a lot of times just not doing it is easier! Thats why it takes courage. You can get there but you have to start somewhere. Whether its going back to school, searching for that good job, or just never settling! We deserve the best just like anyone else. 

Lastly, “the wisdom to know the difference” is just tying the first two things together. You have to know your limitations and sometimes even if we can change something it might be wise to just leave it be. Choose your battles. A wise man does not go looking for problems. He deals with the ones he has to.

Dysfunctional Love

This is a poem I wrote three years ago as a daughter to her father. Now that I have a son I can only imagine the hurt he will feel from his father not being there when he is older. I am thankful every day that I had a boy though. Because a girl without her dad is a girl without a definition of love, a boy without a dad is a boy w/o a hero, but at least another hero can take his place.


"Dysfunctional Love"

My first love was my daddy, he held my heart in his hands.
When he sat and listened he taught me love understands.
My first love was my father, I was daddy’s little girl,
When he gave me his time, He was giving me the world,
My first love was dad, my earliest memories revolved around him,
I’d give him my all if he asked me, doting to his every whim,
My first love let me down, When he walked away that day,
HE taught me try as hard as you will, but love won’t stay,
My first love scarred me, gave me this new perception,
That to love means to hurt, to have to live with deception,
My first love took a part of my heart, and was too selfish to see,
While he was hurting my mother, he was slowly killing that piece of me,
My first love let me invest in him, Trying to build up a hopeless case,
Let me love him so much, while he lied to my face,
My first love is still out there, determined to the end he wasn't wrong,
I try to work out my issues, so the damage wont be prolonged,
My first love hardly calls, but I’ve learned to cope,
He taught me well that love revolves around hope,
My first love is fading from my mind, but he’ll always remain,
As the one who seemingly unconsciously gave love a bad name,
My first love showed me something, And now Im aware,
Any man who in any way resembles my first Love to BEWARE
And dad I hope one day you read this and things change for the good
Instead of you thinking this is just another time you’ve been misunderstood,
My daddy, my father, my friend, you were all of the above,
But you also were the man who was my first dysfunctional love.

I love you dad. I wish you knew how to love me.


11/18/09