Serenity Prayer

“Serenity Prayer”

“Don’t you f@*$ threaten me! Your just a f$@* little girl!” Those words are stuck in my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Its not that I think they are true, but the fact that the father of my child said them to ME. I would of never thought a year and a half ago today those words would escape his mouth and some how I feel between then and now I’m the one who failed. No matter who tells me otherwise I can’t help but blame myself for making the mistake of ever trusting his smile, and believing him when he said he loved me. So how to I rid myself of the guilt that I am the reason that my son is being raised by a single mother? How do I make the right decisions regarding him without being emotional and spiteful against his father. I know I am not alone is this struggle. It is hard trying to be strong and pretend like everything is okay because it is not. That is the first step to accepting where you are in life at this point.

Acknowledge that you are weak. Admit to being scared. Vent to someone you trust but most importantly accept the things you cannot change! Quote the serenity prayer as many times as you need. I find myself constantly reminding myself of it. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer maybe simple to say but it is difficult to actually do which is why I have to continue to remind myself.

First, “things I cannot change” how should we define that? Well for starters everything that has happened before NOW. There is no point in stressing over things that have already happened. That means do not beat yourself up over a decision you made a week ago. You just need to learn from it and move on. I myself am not a perfect person and there are plenty of times I could of handle something better but what’s done is done and now I must move on. So, leaving the past in the past what else would be something we cannot change? People. No matter how you may try you cannot change anyone. The way your child’s father is will remain the way he will be unless he decides to change and the doesn't mean you telling him he needs to because more than likely hearing anything  positive from you will make them want to do the opposite. It doesn’t work in your favor believe me. Once you accept the fact he is a thorn in your side his behavior will no longer get to you as much as it did before.

Take a good look at your own individual life. Write a list of the things you cannot change and why you cannot change and them even if it may seem obvious it will help you accept it. You may think doing this would be depressing but it is actually liberating. It can show you that everything is indeed not your fault because even if you wanted to do something about it you cannot. It is out of your hands hence it isn't a burden you should be carrying.

Secondly, “change the things I can” hopefully by doing what I mentioned first you can now see more clearly the things you can change. The most important thing is to change your attitude towards the situation you are in. Being bitter about things you cannot change will make you miserable! Hating someone who is going to being your life for another 18+ years is wasted energy. No, I am not saying be their best friend, but you cannot let yourself be so bothered by the things they do it begins to affect your everyday life and if they catch on that what they do matters to you they will stop at nothing to continue to piss you off. So if you must lie to yourself and say you do not care until it becomes a reality. When I first found out my ex was talking to another woman it bothered me. I didn’t love him anymore and I didn’t want him but the fact he no longer was trying to win me back hurt me. Maybe it was just a blow to my ego or maybe I wanted to see him suffer wanting his whole life to pay him back for all the hurt he has caused me. Whatever reason it was didn’t matter I knew I had to get over it so I lied and said, “Good for him! I’m glad he is talking to someone else at least now he will leave me alone. I had a feeling he was because he hasn’t been bothering me so much lately.” Although not true at the time about a month later it was! Fake it till you make it! Thats how you change your attitude about ANYTHING!

The other things that you can change in your life to make things better may seem so far out of reach since you are so busy taking care of a baby or a toddler and since you do not want to be disappointed by not being able to reach your goals a lot of times just not doing it is easier! Thats why it takes courage. You can get there but you have to start somewhere. Whether its going back to school, searching for that good job, or just never settling! We deserve the best just like anyone else. 

Lastly, “the wisdom to know the difference” is just tying the first two things together. You have to know your limitations and sometimes even if we can change something it might be wise to just leave it be. Choose your battles. A wise man does not go looking for problems. He deals with the ones he has to.

Dysfunctional Love

This is a poem I wrote three years ago as a daughter to her father. Now that I have a son I can only imagine the hurt he will feel from his father not being there when he is older. I am thankful every day that I had a boy though. Because a girl without her dad is a girl without a definition of love, a boy without a dad is a boy w/o a hero, but at least another hero can take his place.


"Dysfunctional Love"

My first love was my daddy, he held my heart in his hands.
When he sat and listened he taught me love understands.
My first love was my father, I was daddy’s little girl,
When he gave me his time, He was giving me the world,
My first love was dad, my earliest memories revolved around him,
I’d give him my all if he asked me, doting to his every whim,
My first love let me down, When he walked away that day,
HE taught me try as hard as you will, but love won’t stay,
My first love scarred me, gave me this new perception,
That to love means to hurt, to have to live with deception,
My first love took a part of my heart, and was too selfish to see,
While he was hurting my mother, he was slowly killing that piece of me,
My first love let me invest in him, Trying to build up a hopeless case,
Let me love him so much, while he lied to my face,
My first love is still out there, determined to the end he wasn't wrong,
I try to work out my issues, so the damage wont be prolonged,
My first love hardly calls, but I’ve learned to cope,
He taught me well that love revolves around hope,
My first love is fading from my mind, but he’ll always remain,
As the one who seemingly unconsciously gave love a bad name,
My first love showed me something, And now Im aware,
Any man who in any way resembles my first Love to BEWARE
And dad I hope one day you read this and things change for the good
Instead of you thinking this is just another time you’ve been misunderstood,
My daddy, my father, my friend, you were all of the above,
But you also were the man who was my first dysfunctional love.

I love you dad. I wish you knew how to love me.


11/18/09

"Fighting The Lie"

       We have all had moment of insecurity in our lives and if we have strong confidence in ourselves we are able to surpass them. There are those times when the people we love strengthen those insecurities by the things they say to us. If they love us back it is never intentional, but what about the people we have loved that didn't love us back. How can we fight the lies that were told to us to make us feel bad about ourselves. I can't count how many lies my ex told me to make me feel insecure. The things he put into my head to make me feel as if I was the one who had the problem when truthfully he is the one who ruin our relationship.
      I have never met anyone who was so deceived and gave themselves so many excuses for wrong behavior before in my LIFE. In fact, I can't even begin to understand how someone can be so blind that they remain a victim even when they are the one who is hurting others. I never met anyone like this until I met my ex and I am fighting the lies to this day. Its hard when the people who know him believe the lies to. It makes you second guess yourself and wonder if you are INDEED the problem.
      I just recently came from the state he lives in after taking my son there to be with his family. Before I left I was positive that I was strong enough to deal with whatever was thrown at me, but while there and after being around him I began to feel like I was once again being sucked into a black hole of insecurity and second guessing myself and I realized... This man will NEVER change, but I MUST. In order for me to deal with him being the father of my child for the rest of my son's life I have to stop being victimized by him! If he wants to play the victim, let him. But I cannot allow myself to be one. "Life is too short to have a victim mentality, Say to yourself 'I am not going to be bitter, I am going to be better'" ~Unknown. That is exactly what I plan to do! I refuse to be the VICTIM and I refuse to be BITTER because at the end of the day we CHOOSE happiness and in order to stay happy I have to let the things that make me sad GO.

     So, I have let HIM go.... no more trying to co-parent with someone who is slowly destroying me. My son is too young to even appreciate my efforts, so for now i will focus on bettering myself and being more confident again. Not hiding behind false conceit! I must say its only been two weeks and I feel amazing. So if you are struggling with fighting lies, stop fighting.... and just LET IT GO. You will be amazed at how much happier you feel. 

"Being a student, While being a mom"

So, I have started school this semester, after being out of school for about a year and a half! I was ecstatic to start back, but that excitement was short lived. The many hours studying and writing for my TWO classes seem so much when I will be taking FIVE this fall. I have no idea how I will manage! In fact, it scares me. Being a mom and being a student keeps me so extremely busy I find myself falling asleep while my boy is in my arms. I just keep telling myself that only one year of this and I will have my bachelors degree. Thankfully my son is well behaved. Even as I studied in this picture reading my assigned reading he played with the wipes and chewed on it the ENTIRE TIME. By the time he had enough it was time for his nap which gave me the perfect opportunity to finish what I started. I am more than thankful for a son who is so happy and doesn't require a lot of attention. Although it may be hard, it could be so much worse!

First Days in China

Flight from Tokyo to Shanghai

     After a very long trip, we finally arrived in Shanghai, China. The hotel is gorgeous and extremely comfortable and after a nice long shower I went to bed, but not before skyping my baby boy Lucas which I plan to do every night if possible. Seeing all the cute asian babies on the streets of the market places we visited made me miss my baby even more! I want to hold him right now cuddled up giving him all my kisses, but seeing him happy and well taken care of has put my mind at ease.

Skyping my baby

    On today's tour 3 things caught my attention: the "high-style man", is the first. A professional man who comes home from work, cooks and clean while the wife sits back and does whatever she wants! Now if that aint the life!! Im going to try my best to bring one of these "high-style men" home to the U.S. with me ;-).

Breakfast

     Another thing I noticed is that some people still live in very old housing that hasn't been replaced like the other buildings with high rise apartment buildings. They have no bathrooms so during the day time they go to public places and at night they use a chamber pot. I couldn't imagine. Also NO where in Shanghai do people own dryers. Not even the wealthy they just hang up there clothes! Come to think of it that probably saves a TON of money economically. As a family we just went almost 6 months without a dryer and even though it was inconvenient I am sure it cut our electric bill. Something to indeed think about in the summer.

Last but not least... the CELEBRITY status... if u want to feel famous come to China. I have to of had my picture taken 50+ times and stared at continuously throughout the entire day. At one point their was a line of about 20 people trying to take me and my sisters picture!! At first it felt good then it started to become overwhelming.... just to think we still have 11 days to go. I guess its not easy living on the top ^_^