“Opposing Sides”

Why is it that the woman who want the father in the child's life are the ones who have the dads who are M.I.A and the girls who gives the guy a hard time have the dads who want to be there? Is it that guys just likes doing the OPPOSITE of what the girl wants or is it just a coincidence? I see this ALL the time and it saddens me. Why is it so easy for a man to walk away from his child with the must petty excuse. I commend the father’s who stick around and parent the child even if he is not with the mother, but if you’re in a similar situation that I am in then the father isn’t around and even at some point you might of felt as if it was your fault he was not. Maybe you even tried to encourage him to be around by sending pictures and asking if he wanted to see his child over webcam. I know I did. 

What you need to remember is it is not up to you whether or not he decides to co-parent with you. He has the last say in the matter. Even if the woman is giving him a hard time if he wants to be there HE WILL BE. Its not right for her to make it hard but his love for his child will make him do what he has to do... perfect example is the movie "Daddy's Little Girls” written by Tyler Perry. It shows a father struggling to do the right thing, but who never quits because of his love for his children. If you are a true parent you will fight for your right to be a parent to your child. The problem is children are nowadays being born so often into a world that was not ready for them. What was a stress-free romantic relationship has now turned into a responsibility one that many men are not ready for. As woman we tend to me more connected with our child through the pregnancy process and it is a lot harder for us to be able to walk away. For guys not so much in fact a lot of them walk away without blinking it seems and why is this? Should they even have that choice just because they weren’t ready? Was I ready to have a child? No, but I made it work, because it was my responsibility at that point. Unfortunately men have pride and they do not know how to admit to not having a clue. Someone told me, “Some people lack the courage it takes to admit their inefficiencies. We would like to be big enough to be honest with people about how we really feel, but that's difficult to accomplish when you're being dishonest with yourself. It would be wonderful if everyone were straightforward enough to outwardly admit that we don't want to be there for our children, but that takes guts...” And indeed it does. We think it. All the time. But have you ever opened your mouth and said, “I’m tired of being a mother. I hate not having the freedom I use to. I love my kid but sometimes I wish they would disappear!” Of course you probably haven’t but it is completely normal to feel that way. Trouble is some men are too proud to admit to being scared, or nervous instead they use anything they can as an excuse for not being there. In then end there is NO excuse. 

One thing I have come to grips with is the fact that as long as my child’s father still wants me back and is offended at the decision I made to leave him we will never truly agree on anything. Do I make it hard for him on purpose? Of course I don’t I just express myself like I would to anyone, but there is a pattern I have noticed in my ex and I am sure it is the same for most cases.

When he is trying to win me back during those moments of weakness where he remembers how I made him feel and he wants to have me again he can be the most understanding person in the world. He agrees with everything I say even admitting to the fact he was an asshole and still at times can still be one. We have good conversation and its so pleasant sometimes I don’t want to get off the phone, because I know it will only last for a moment. Soon he’ll be mad at me again and forget all the things he said. He will cuss at me and say how much he dislikes me, but its okay. I am use to this change in emotion that I call the “circle effect”. He gets to a point where I almost want to believe he has changed and then he circles on back right to the way he was before. I can appreciate the fact he hasn’t gotten worse, but I am highly aware that he has gotten no where near better either.

So how to we handle the “mood swings”. We don’t. You cannot allow yourself to care enough to try to work with him. Just see him for what he truly is even when you have that ten minute long conversation without yelling. Treat him like a child who will promise good behavior only to forget a moment later and act up.

Serenity Prayer

“Serenity Prayer”

“Don’t you f@*$ threaten me! Your just a f$@* little girl!” Those words are stuck in my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Its not that I think they are true, but the fact that the father of my child said them to ME. I would of never thought a year and a half ago today those words would escape his mouth and some how I feel between then and now I’m the one who failed. No matter who tells me otherwise I can’t help but blame myself for making the mistake of ever trusting his smile, and believing him when he said he loved me. So how to I rid myself of the guilt that I am the reason that my son is being raised by a single mother? How do I make the right decisions regarding him without being emotional and spiteful against his father. I know I am not alone is this struggle. It is hard trying to be strong and pretend like everything is okay because it is not. That is the first step to accepting where you are in life at this point.

Acknowledge that you are weak. Admit to being scared. Vent to someone you trust but most importantly accept the things you cannot change! Quote the serenity prayer as many times as you need. I find myself constantly reminding myself of it. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer maybe simple to say but it is difficult to actually do which is why I have to continue to remind myself.

First, “things I cannot change” how should we define that? Well for starters everything that has happened before NOW. There is no point in stressing over things that have already happened. That means do not beat yourself up over a decision you made a week ago. You just need to learn from it and move on. I myself am not a perfect person and there are plenty of times I could of handle something better but what’s done is done and now I must move on. So, leaving the past in the past what else would be something we cannot change? People. No matter how you may try you cannot change anyone. The way your child’s father is will remain the way he will be unless he decides to change and the doesn't mean you telling him he needs to because more than likely hearing anything  positive from you will make them want to do the opposite. It doesn’t work in your favor believe me. Once you accept the fact he is a thorn in your side his behavior will no longer get to you as much as it did before.

Take a good look at your own individual life. Write a list of the things you cannot change and why you cannot change and them even if it may seem obvious it will help you accept it. You may think doing this would be depressing but it is actually liberating. It can show you that everything is indeed not your fault because even if you wanted to do something about it you cannot. It is out of your hands hence it isn't a burden you should be carrying.

Secondly, “change the things I can” hopefully by doing what I mentioned first you can now see more clearly the things you can change. The most important thing is to change your attitude towards the situation you are in. Being bitter about things you cannot change will make you miserable! Hating someone who is going to being your life for another 18+ years is wasted energy. No, I am not saying be their best friend, but you cannot let yourself be so bothered by the things they do it begins to affect your everyday life and if they catch on that what they do matters to you they will stop at nothing to continue to piss you off. So if you must lie to yourself and say you do not care until it becomes a reality. When I first found out my ex was talking to another woman it bothered me. I didn’t love him anymore and I didn’t want him but the fact he no longer was trying to win me back hurt me. Maybe it was just a blow to my ego or maybe I wanted to see him suffer wanting his whole life to pay him back for all the hurt he has caused me. Whatever reason it was didn’t matter I knew I had to get over it so I lied and said, “Good for him! I’m glad he is talking to someone else at least now he will leave me alone. I had a feeling he was because he hasn’t been bothering me so much lately.” Although not true at the time about a month later it was! Fake it till you make it! Thats how you change your attitude about ANYTHING!

The other things that you can change in your life to make things better may seem so far out of reach since you are so busy taking care of a baby or a toddler and since you do not want to be disappointed by not being able to reach your goals a lot of times just not doing it is easier! Thats why it takes courage. You can get there but you have to start somewhere. Whether its going back to school, searching for that good job, or just never settling! We deserve the best just like anyone else. 

Lastly, “the wisdom to know the difference” is just tying the first two things together. You have to know your limitations and sometimes even if we can change something it might be wise to just leave it be. Choose your battles. A wise man does not go looking for problems. He deals with the ones he has to.

"Fighting The Lie"

       We have all had moment of insecurity in our lives and if we have strong confidence in ourselves we are able to surpass them. There are those times when the people we love strengthen those insecurities by the things they say to us. If they love us back it is never intentional, but what about the people we have loved that didn't love us back. How can we fight the lies that were told to us to make us feel bad about ourselves. I can't count how many lies my ex told me to make me feel insecure. The things he put into my head to make me feel as if I was the one who had the problem when truthfully he is the one who ruin our relationship.
      I have never met anyone who was so deceived and gave themselves so many excuses for wrong behavior before in my LIFE. In fact, I can't even begin to understand how someone can be so blind that they remain a victim even when they are the one who is hurting others. I never met anyone like this until I met my ex and I am fighting the lies to this day. Its hard when the people who know him believe the lies to. It makes you second guess yourself and wonder if you are INDEED the problem.
      I just recently came from the state he lives in after taking my son there to be with his family. Before I left I was positive that I was strong enough to deal with whatever was thrown at me, but while there and after being around him I began to feel like I was once again being sucked into a black hole of insecurity and second guessing myself and I realized... This man will NEVER change, but I MUST. In order for me to deal with him being the father of my child for the rest of my son's life I have to stop being victimized by him! If he wants to play the victim, let him. But I cannot allow myself to be one. "Life is too short to have a victim mentality, Say to yourself 'I am not going to be bitter, I am going to be better'" ~Unknown. That is exactly what I plan to do! I refuse to be the VICTIM and I refuse to be BITTER because at the end of the day we CHOOSE happiness and in order to stay happy I have to let the things that make me sad GO.

     So, I have let HIM go.... no more trying to co-parent with someone who is slowly destroying me. My son is too young to even appreciate my efforts, so for now i will focus on bettering myself and being more confident again. Not hiding behind false conceit! I must say its only been two weeks and I feel amazing. So if you are struggling with fighting lies, stop fighting.... and just LET IT GO. You will be amazed at how much happier you feel. 

First Days in China

Flight from Tokyo to Shanghai

     After a very long trip, we finally arrived in Shanghai, China. The hotel is gorgeous and extremely comfortable and after a nice long shower I went to bed, but not before skyping my baby boy Lucas which I plan to do every night if possible. Seeing all the cute asian babies on the streets of the market places we visited made me miss my baby even more! I want to hold him right now cuddled up giving him all my kisses, but seeing him happy and well taken care of has put my mind at ease.

Skyping my baby

    On today's tour 3 things caught my attention: the "high-style man", is the first. A professional man who comes home from work, cooks and clean while the wife sits back and does whatever she wants! Now if that aint the life!! Im going to try my best to bring one of these "high-style men" home to the U.S. with me ;-).

Breakfast

     Another thing I noticed is that some people still live in very old housing that hasn't been replaced like the other buildings with high rise apartment buildings. They have no bathrooms so during the day time they go to public places and at night they use a chamber pot. I couldn't imagine. Also NO where in Shanghai do people own dryers. Not even the wealthy they just hang up there clothes! Come to think of it that probably saves a TON of money economically. As a family we just went almost 6 months without a dryer and even though it was inconvenient I am sure it cut our electric bill. Something to indeed think about in the summer.

Last but not least... the CELEBRITY status... if u want to feel famous come to China. I have to of had my picture taken 50+ times and stared at continuously throughout the entire day. At one point their was a line of about 20 people trying to take me and my sisters picture!! At first it felt good then it started to become overwhelming.... just to think we still have 11 days to go. I guess its not easy living on the top ^_^