When Love is Wrong.....?

What happens when you fall in love with the wrong person? Who warns us how to detect when your heart is falling into the lap of someone who is not ready to accept your gift? As a parent we are so focused on giving our love to our babies that it is so easy to disregard the love that we need for ourselves. I have found being a parent has made me more willing to love, but has taken away some of my expectation of the love I should receive in return. I deserve as much as I give, we all do. No relationship is easy and nothing comes without hard work. Finding that person who will forgive you for your idiotic faults and you forgiving them as well for their misguided conceptions is what is important. This of course would be ideal, but what happens when you find yourself loving so hard and caring so much but not receiving it in return? How do you stop?

We are taught as mothers to love unconditionally. If our children yelled they hated us and spit in our faces as adults we would be there for them like the father of the prodigal son when they returned. This is how we are made as mothers. But then we are told that is not acceptable in romantic love, that you cannot take, take, take until you are beaten down to a pulp. In fact, romantic love should always be perfect bliss.... but its not.... in the real world people go through their issues and what matters is when all those things are past you all can still have the same relationship you did prior. And better yet if it is stronger than it was before! 

I fell in love. For the longest I have been telling myself it was with the wrong person but now I see it differently. It wasn’t the person who was wrong it was the timing. I feel like one day we could be together and HAPPY. For now I have to give the needed space and love in spite of the differences or events, because I’m a mother and I have learned what unconditional love means. Maybe I have learned it sooner than some, but it isn’t a form of love that is unlearnable by those who are not parents. They just have to have the desire to be taught.

Living for the Future, Not the Past

“Forgiveness”

I did a restorative justice training and the focus is on healing and righting wrongs in the community. While learning about the methods used to help others with their problems I started to self-evaluate myself. Who are the people in my life where situations have occurred that require healing? I began to think of individuals and all the reason why I haven't forgiven them when I realized it wasn't about them and their mistakes against me. It was about myself. Have we ever closely analyzed the things that were done to us that hurt us? What was our part in it.... once we accept the past and realize that some fault lies with us as well it becomes a lot easier to forgive the other person.

Is forgiving ourselves easy? No. In fact its the hardest thing I've ever done. For months I woke up angry and hurt over things I could not change. In a previous blog post I wrote about the serenity prayer. Accepting the things we cannot change, changing the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. Somethings in our past requires letting go. That is a must in order to be able to forgive. Let it be a lesson learned and a stepping stone to becoming a better person. This is a letter I recently wrote to my ex who I let hatred build in my heart for:

After taking 20 hours of training in restorative justice this last weekend I learned a lot about healing and moving on. I thought of the people in my life that have affected me and I thought of my hatred towards you. I been knowing for awhile now that my disgust towards you was a deeper issue... it had more to do with the disgust with myself. I know I can not flourish in my life, my career, as a mother and in my future if I do not forgive you but theres a bigger issue cuz i have yet to forgive myself... to forgive myself for ever liking you, for not listening to the people around me when they said i shouldn’t mess with you, for giving my body to you instead of making you wait to test your “love”, for not dumping you that first time you pushed me onto the floor, for not moving home after the time you dragged my friend out of my car, for letting you get me pregnant that night, for letting you constantly make me feel bad and worthless for not pleasing you when at times you didnt even know what you wanted, for being too understanding, for THINKING you changed and constantly letting myself be disappointed and mostly for ever loving and caring for you more than you did for me. I have to forgive myself. And I do. I finally do. Im at peace with it. I no longer care about what u did to me because I dont want to live in the past when my future is looking so damn good! ....Im not mad anymore. Im glad Im raising Lucas alone because I could be having to forgive myself for raising him with YOU. I am doing the best thing I can right now. Im done with this whole situation and even writing this makes me feel so much lighter, cuz for once i dont wish ill on you because I just dont care. It never had anything to do with you to begin with. 

I forgive me.

Now forgiving YOU is that much easier.

Evaluate your own relationships old or new. Remember that forgiveness is not a gift you give to others.... its the greatest gift you can give to yourself!