When Love is Wrong.....?

What happens when you fall in love with the wrong person? Who warns us how to detect when your heart is falling into the lap of someone who is not ready to accept your gift? As a parent we are so focused on giving our love to our babies that it is so easy to disregard the love that we need for ourselves. I have found being a parent has made me more willing to love, but has taken away some of my expectation of the love I should receive in return. I deserve as much as I give, we all do. No relationship is easy and nothing comes without hard work. Finding that person who will forgive you for your idiotic faults and you forgiving them as well for their misguided conceptions is what is important. This of course would be ideal, but what happens when you find yourself loving so hard and caring so much but not receiving it in return? How do you stop?

We are taught as mothers to love unconditionally. If our children yelled they hated us and spit in our faces as adults we would be there for them like the father of the prodigal son when they returned. This is how we are made as mothers. But then we are told that is not acceptable in romantic love, that you cannot take, take, take until you are beaten down to a pulp. In fact, romantic love should always be perfect bliss.... but its not.... in the real world people go through their issues and what matters is when all those things are past you all can still have the same relationship you did prior. And better yet if it is stronger than it was before! 

I fell in love. For the longest I have been telling myself it was with the wrong person but now I see it differently. It wasn’t the person who was wrong it was the timing. I feel like one day we could be together and HAPPY. For now I have to give the needed space and love in spite of the differences or events, because I’m a mother and I have learned what unconditional love means. Maybe I have learned it sooner than some, but it isn’t a form of love that is unlearnable by those who are not parents. They just have to have the desire to be taught.

Stop the Abuse!

Beguiled, by a wicked smile, a lil charm,

Promised her safety, from everything but your own harm,

Your love meant only to be pleased by she,

Being a man was something you were to weak to be,

Rather your toys broken... perfection was too hard to see,

Lie to yourself, so when spoken feels like reality,

Denial the only way to escape a mental fatality,

She wants to leave? Make her stay, Give her a 9 month load to carry,

Maybe if she's bound in your chains enough you might marry,

Forever a slave? To your misery until she is wary.

Not enough? Not close. Take away her worth,

You have no purpose in life, so she must also feel like dirt,

Tearing her down to keep her looking up at you,

Powerless? not an option.... its a reminder of what you cannot do,

Speaking unkind words lashing out so she can hate herself too.

STOP the Abuse! Emotional Abuse is as bad as physical it may not leave a bruise on your body but it leaves one on your soul! 

Healing Part 2

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” – Tori Amos

No one is saying that choosing to heal is easy… but it is a choice, and yes, it does take courage. But why put off for later what you so desperately need now? The past is gone and the present is all you have. What’s coming to you is the future… wouldn’t it be nice to look out for your future self and do the hard stuff now? Trust me, you will be thankful you did.

Take courage. Try. No excuses. Your wellbeing and long term happiness is your reason why. Choose to be healed today.

I took this from the blog connected with Daddy Broke My Heart Project. There site is:

http://keilaharris.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/courage-to-heal

&

www.dbmhproject.org

Healing

In the moment no thought in my hastiness, 
I got a piece a portion of its tastiness,
Not yet swallowed before it turned sour within,
Not yet forgotten before the feel of it caused crawling on my skin,
Feeling nauseous but my body wouldn't purge,
Wanting relief but resisting the urge, 
Hating what I want but wanting more,
Tryna heal the heart that went from aching to sore, 
Enough is enough mind over matter,
Forgotten that my mind was lost when my heart was shattered,
Pretense, dishonesty, protecting myself from me,
Courageous, building strength is what i rather be,
Getting a glimpse of the freedom from this disease,
No longer needing a remedy to put myself at ease,
Blissful in the thought of being free,
Free from the idea that I'm the one unworthy.

#insecurities #healing2013

“Opposing Sides”

Why is it that the woman who want the father in the child's life are the ones who have the dads who are M.I.A and the girls who gives the guy a hard time have the dads who want to be there? Is it that guys just likes doing the OPPOSITE of what the girl wants or is it just a coincidence? I see this ALL the time and it saddens me. Why is it so easy for a man to walk away from his child with the must petty excuse. I commend the father’s who stick around and parent the child even if he is not with the mother, but if you’re in a similar situation that I am in then the father isn’t around and even at some point you might of felt as if it was your fault he was not. Maybe you even tried to encourage him to be around by sending pictures and asking if he wanted to see his child over webcam. I know I did. 

What you need to remember is it is not up to you whether or not he decides to co-parent with you. He has the last say in the matter. Even if the woman is giving him a hard time if he wants to be there HE WILL BE. Its not right for her to make it hard but his love for his child will make him do what he has to do... perfect example is the movie "Daddy's Little Girls” written by Tyler Perry. It shows a father struggling to do the right thing, but who never quits because of his love for his children. If you are a true parent you will fight for your right to be a parent to your child. The problem is children are nowadays being born so often into a world that was not ready for them. What was a stress-free romantic relationship has now turned into a responsibility one that many men are not ready for. As woman we tend to me more connected with our child through the pregnancy process and it is a lot harder for us to be able to walk away. For guys not so much in fact a lot of them walk away without blinking it seems and why is this? Should they even have that choice just because they weren’t ready? Was I ready to have a child? No, but I made it work, because it was my responsibility at that point. Unfortunately men have pride and they do not know how to admit to not having a clue. Someone told me, “Some people lack the courage it takes to admit their inefficiencies. We would like to be big enough to be honest with people about how we really feel, but that's difficult to accomplish when you're being dishonest with yourself. It would be wonderful if everyone were straightforward enough to outwardly admit that we don't want to be there for our children, but that takes guts...” And indeed it does. We think it. All the time. But have you ever opened your mouth and said, “I’m tired of being a mother. I hate not having the freedom I use to. I love my kid but sometimes I wish they would disappear!” Of course you probably haven’t but it is completely normal to feel that way. Trouble is some men are too proud to admit to being scared, or nervous instead they use anything they can as an excuse for not being there. In then end there is NO excuse. 

One thing I have come to grips with is the fact that as long as my child’s father still wants me back and is offended at the decision I made to leave him we will never truly agree on anything. Do I make it hard for him on purpose? Of course I don’t I just express myself like I would to anyone, but there is a pattern I have noticed in my ex and I am sure it is the same for most cases.

When he is trying to win me back during those moments of weakness where he remembers how I made him feel and he wants to have me again he can be the most understanding person in the world. He agrees with everything I say even admitting to the fact he was an asshole and still at times can still be one. We have good conversation and its so pleasant sometimes I don’t want to get off the phone, because I know it will only last for a moment. Soon he’ll be mad at me again and forget all the things he said. He will cuss at me and say how much he dislikes me, but its okay. I am use to this change in emotion that I call the “circle effect”. He gets to a point where I almost want to believe he has changed and then he circles on back right to the way he was before. I can appreciate the fact he hasn’t gotten worse, but I am highly aware that he has gotten no where near better either.

So how to we handle the “mood swings”. We don’t. You cannot allow yourself to care enough to try to work with him. Just see him for what he truly is even when you have that ten minute long conversation without yelling. Treat him like a child who will promise good behavior only to forget a moment later and act up.

Living for the Future, Not the Past

“Forgiveness”

I did a restorative justice training and the focus is on healing and righting wrongs in the community. While learning about the methods used to help others with their problems I started to self-evaluate myself. Who are the people in my life where situations have occurred that require healing? I began to think of individuals and all the reason why I haven't forgiven them when I realized it wasn't about them and their mistakes against me. It was about myself. Have we ever closely analyzed the things that were done to us that hurt us? What was our part in it.... once we accept the past and realize that some fault lies with us as well it becomes a lot easier to forgive the other person.

Is forgiving ourselves easy? No. In fact its the hardest thing I've ever done. For months I woke up angry and hurt over things I could not change. In a previous blog post I wrote about the serenity prayer. Accepting the things we cannot change, changing the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. Somethings in our past requires letting go. That is a must in order to be able to forgive. Let it be a lesson learned and a stepping stone to becoming a better person. This is a letter I recently wrote to my ex who I let hatred build in my heart for:

After taking 20 hours of training in restorative justice this last weekend I learned a lot about healing and moving on. I thought of the people in my life that have affected me and I thought of my hatred towards you. I been knowing for awhile now that my disgust towards you was a deeper issue... it had more to do with the disgust with myself. I know I can not flourish in my life, my career, as a mother and in my future if I do not forgive you but theres a bigger issue cuz i have yet to forgive myself... to forgive myself for ever liking you, for not listening to the people around me when they said i shouldn’t mess with you, for giving my body to you instead of making you wait to test your “love”, for not dumping you that first time you pushed me onto the floor, for not moving home after the time you dragged my friend out of my car, for letting you get me pregnant that night, for letting you constantly make me feel bad and worthless for not pleasing you when at times you didnt even know what you wanted, for being too understanding, for THINKING you changed and constantly letting myself be disappointed and mostly for ever loving and caring for you more than you did for me. I have to forgive myself. And I do. I finally do. Im at peace with it. I no longer care about what u did to me because I dont want to live in the past when my future is looking so damn good! ....Im not mad anymore. Im glad Im raising Lucas alone because I could be having to forgive myself for raising him with YOU. I am doing the best thing I can right now. Im done with this whole situation and even writing this makes me feel so much lighter, cuz for once i dont wish ill on you because I just dont care. It never had anything to do with you to begin with. 

I forgive me.

Now forgiving YOU is that much easier.

Evaluate your own relationships old or new. Remember that forgiveness is not a gift you give to others.... its the greatest gift you can give to yourself!

Serenity Prayer

“Serenity Prayer”

“Don’t you f@*$ threaten me! Your just a f$@* little girl!” Those words are stuck in my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Its not that I think they are true, but the fact that the father of my child said them to ME. I would of never thought a year and a half ago today those words would escape his mouth and some how I feel between then and now I’m the one who failed. No matter who tells me otherwise I can’t help but blame myself for making the mistake of ever trusting his smile, and believing him when he said he loved me. So how to I rid myself of the guilt that I am the reason that my son is being raised by a single mother? How do I make the right decisions regarding him without being emotional and spiteful against his father. I know I am not alone is this struggle. It is hard trying to be strong and pretend like everything is okay because it is not. That is the first step to accepting where you are in life at this point.

Acknowledge that you are weak. Admit to being scared. Vent to someone you trust but most importantly accept the things you cannot change! Quote the serenity prayer as many times as you need. I find myself constantly reminding myself of it. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer maybe simple to say but it is difficult to actually do which is why I have to continue to remind myself.

First, “things I cannot change” how should we define that? Well for starters everything that has happened before NOW. There is no point in stressing over things that have already happened. That means do not beat yourself up over a decision you made a week ago. You just need to learn from it and move on. I myself am not a perfect person and there are plenty of times I could of handle something better but what’s done is done and now I must move on. So, leaving the past in the past what else would be something we cannot change? People. No matter how you may try you cannot change anyone. The way your child’s father is will remain the way he will be unless he decides to change and the doesn't mean you telling him he needs to because more than likely hearing anything  positive from you will make them want to do the opposite. It doesn’t work in your favor believe me. Once you accept the fact he is a thorn in your side his behavior will no longer get to you as much as it did before.

Take a good look at your own individual life. Write a list of the things you cannot change and why you cannot change and them even if it may seem obvious it will help you accept it. You may think doing this would be depressing but it is actually liberating. It can show you that everything is indeed not your fault because even if you wanted to do something about it you cannot. It is out of your hands hence it isn't a burden you should be carrying.

Secondly, “change the things I can” hopefully by doing what I mentioned first you can now see more clearly the things you can change. The most important thing is to change your attitude towards the situation you are in. Being bitter about things you cannot change will make you miserable! Hating someone who is going to being your life for another 18+ years is wasted energy. No, I am not saying be their best friend, but you cannot let yourself be so bothered by the things they do it begins to affect your everyday life and if they catch on that what they do matters to you they will stop at nothing to continue to piss you off. So if you must lie to yourself and say you do not care until it becomes a reality. When I first found out my ex was talking to another woman it bothered me. I didn’t love him anymore and I didn’t want him but the fact he no longer was trying to win me back hurt me. Maybe it was just a blow to my ego or maybe I wanted to see him suffer wanting his whole life to pay him back for all the hurt he has caused me. Whatever reason it was didn’t matter I knew I had to get over it so I lied and said, “Good for him! I’m glad he is talking to someone else at least now he will leave me alone. I had a feeling he was because he hasn’t been bothering me so much lately.” Although not true at the time about a month later it was! Fake it till you make it! Thats how you change your attitude about ANYTHING!

The other things that you can change in your life to make things better may seem so far out of reach since you are so busy taking care of a baby or a toddler and since you do not want to be disappointed by not being able to reach your goals a lot of times just not doing it is easier! Thats why it takes courage. You can get there but you have to start somewhere. Whether its going back to school, searching for that good job, or just never settling! We deserve the best just like anyone else. 

Lastly, “the wisdom to know the difference” is just tying the first two things together. You have to know your limitations and sometimes even if we can change something it might be wise to just leave it be. Choose your battles. A wise man does not go looking for problems. He deals with the ones he has to.