Dysfunctional Love

This is a poem I wrote three years ago as a daughter to her father. Now that I have a son I can only imagine the hurt he will feel from his father not being there when he is older. I am thankful every day that I had a boy though. Because a girl without her dad is a girl without a definition of love, a boy without a dad is a boy w/o a hero, but at least another hero can take his place.


"Dysfunctional Love"

My first love was my daddy, he held my heart in his hands.
When he sat and listened he taught me love understands.
My first love was my father, I was daddy’s little girl,
When he gave me his time, He was giving me the world,
My first love was dad, my earliest memories revolved around him,
I’d give him my all if he asked me, doting to his every whim,
My first love let me down, When he walked away that day,
HE taught me try as hard as you will, but love won’t stay,
My first love scarred me, gave me this new perception,
That to love means to hurt, to have to live with deception,
My first love took a part of my heart, and was too selfish to see,
While he was hurting my mother, he was slowly killing that piece of me,
My first love let me invest in him, Trying to build up a hopeless case,
Let me love him so much, while he lied to my face,
My first love is still out there, determined to the end he wasn't wrong,
I try to work out my issues, so the damage wont be prolonged,
My first love hardly calls, but I’ve learned to cope,
He taught me well that love revolves around hope,
My first love is fading from my mind, but he’ll always remain,
As the one who seemingly unconsciously gave love a bad name,
My first love showed me something, And now Im aware,
Any man who in any way resembles my first Love to BEWARE
And dad I hope one day you read this and things change for the good
Instead of you thinking this is just another time you’ve been misunderstood,
My daddy, my father, my friend, you were all of the above,
But you also were the man who was my first dysfunctional love.

I love you dad. I wish you knew how to love me.


11/18/09

"Fighting The Lie"

       We have all had moment of insecurity in our lives and if we have strong confidence in ourselves we are able to surpass them. There are those times when the people we love strengthen those insecurities by the things they say to us. If they love us back it is never intentional, but what about the people we have loved that didn't love us back. How can we fight the lies that were told to us to make us feel bad about ourselves. I can't count how many lies my ex told me to make me feel insecure. The things he put into my head to make me feel as if I was the one who had the problem when truthfully he is the one who ruin our relationship.
      I have never met anyone who was so deceived and gave themselves so many excuses for wrong behavior before in my LIFE. In fact, I can't even begin to understand how someone can be so blind that they remain a victim even when they are the one who is hurting others. I never met anyone like this until I met my ex and I am fighting the lies to this day. Its hard when the people who know him believe the lies to. It makes you second guess yourself and wonder if you are INDEED the problem.
      I just recently came from the state he lives in after taking my son there to be with his family. Before I left I was positive that I was strong enough to deal with whatever was thrown at me, but while there and after being around him I began to feel like I was once again being sucked into a black hole of insecurity and second guessing myself and I realized... This man will NEVER change, but I MUST. In order for me to deal with him being the father of my child for the rest of my son's life I have to stop being victimized by him! If he wants to play the victim, let him. But I cannot allow myself to be one. "Life is too short to have a victim mentality, Say to yourself 'I am not going to be bitter, I am going to be better'" ~Unknown. That is exactly what I plan to do! I refuse to be the VICTIM and I refuse to be BITTER because at the end of the day we CHOOSE happiness and in order to stay happy I have to let the things that make me sad GO.

     So, I have let HIM go.... no more trying to co-parent with someone who is slowly destroying me. My son is too young to even appreciate my efforts, so for now i will focus on bettering myself and being more confident again. Not hiding behind false conceit! I must say its only been two weeks and I feel amazing. So if you are struggling with fighting lies, stop fighting.... and just LET IT GO. You will be amazed at how much happier you feel. 

"Being a student, While being a mom"

So, I have started school this semester, after being out of school for about a year and a half! I was ecstatic to start back, but that excitement was short lived. The many hours studying and writing for my TWO classes seem so much when I will be taking FIVE this fall. I have no idea how I will manage! In fact, it scares me. Being a mom and being a student keeps me so extremely busy I find myself falling asleep while my boy is in my arms. I just keep telling myself that only one year of this and I will have my bachelors degree. Thankfully my son is well behaved. Even as I studied in this picture reading my assigned reading he played with the wipes and chewed on it the ENTIRE TIME. By the time he had enough it was time for his nap which gave me the perfect opportunity to finish what I started. I am more than thankful for a son who is so happy and doesn't require a lot of attention. Although it may be hard, it could be so much worse!

The Epic Dinner

So I would have to say if we have no more great nights in China this night will be the most epic!! Extremely hilarious and fun! It all began with wine glasses sitting on our table. We all got excited to see it becuz personally we were all tired of the beer or sprite they offered. The wine list unfortunately was all in Chinese so we asked our tour guide to interpret. I do not know why he had such a hard time, it was almost like he WOULDN'T read us what was on the wine list because it wasn't included in the cost of the meal, but we constantly stated that we WOULD pay for it if necessary. They brought us instead this sherry and told one of our companions it would turn her into “dragon lady” and it makes noodles stand up! “OHHHH nooo” she said, “My husband isn't here” We all laughed and began to drink the sprite and beer that was the “norm”. While we were being served our food we noticed everything was pretty much the same that we have for lunch and dinner here and recalled the tour guide saying “Not all food the same. But you foreigner not tell sometime cuz it slight difference” Slight is an understatement... there is NO difference all you do is add a different sauce!! So to say the least we were all very much tired of just eating white rice for lack of a better choice of food. I didnt take well to pork belly and discretely spit it out into my napkin and after seeing a full fledge FISH eyeballs and all I pretty much lost my appetite. When all hope was lost I decided to wait for the chicken that usually fills in the loose ends of dinner and leaves me if not full a tad bit satisfied and I wasn’t the only one waiting. One couple didnt eat fish at all so they kept asking about the chicken, next thing u know they had closed the door we had in a private dining quarters and we heard arguing in chinese. Next thing we know he comes in with a sad face stating “uhhh no chicken tonight ok?” This didnt sit well with Cindy and she was asking why and that she hadnt eaten much because she didnt eat fish and he said “you wait till tomorrow lunch, okay?” to this we all LAUGHED because how would lunch satisfy the hunger that existed right then and there he continued to say, “We have to kill chicken” then did a face as if he was wringing his neck “it would take long prepare it, pluck feathers, cut off head” at this point Cindy LOST it and started to laugh hysterically. She had to leave the table and go for a walk. “By all means,” she said “Dont kill the chicken on my behalf”. The tour guide kept stating that these recipes have existed over 1000 years in China which makes them special for us and to sum up all our thoughts perfectly Collin a male in our group said, “Our ancestors have had recipes 1000 years ago... we dont still cook them”

To top the night off, three last things were said by our female tour guide Laura. One was they dont eat many desserts here in China. Not much sugar at all. When she came to the states she met a man who said he made desserts in his shop and told her he would be her “sugar daddy” she of course took this literally, but we ALL know he was WRONG for that one. She still has no idea... someone tell her PLEASE.

Second night topper was while on the bus she said they were not allowed to hunt because the want to protect their world, their “environment” and Cindy speaks out and says... “THE CHICKEN” 

Third night topper is when Laura was comparing Shanghai to Hangzhou where we are now and said Hangzhou was like little girl compared to Shanghai but she loved her lil town. John an older gentleman speaks out and says “Its okay... you have a sugar daddy”... *laughter follows*....

EPIC NIGHT

First Days in China

Flight from Tokyo to Shanghai

     After a very long trip, we finally arrived in Shanghai, China. The hotel is gorgeous and extremely comfortable and after a nice long shower I went to bed, but not before skyping my baby boy Lucas which I plan to do every night if possible. Seeing all the cute asian babies on the streets of the market places we visited made me miss my baby even more! I want to hold him right now cuddled up giving him all my kisses, but seeing him happy and well taken care of has put my mind at ease.

Skyping my baby

    On today's tour 3 things caught my attention: the "high-style man", is the first. A professional man who comes home from work, cooks and clean while the wife sits back and does whatever she wants! Now if that aint the life!! Im going to try my best to bring one of these "high-style men" home to the U.S. with me ;-).

Breakfast

     Another thing I noticed is that some people still live in very old housing that hasn't been replaced like the other buildings with high rise apartment buildings. They have no bathrooms so during the day time they go to public places and at night they use a chamber pot. I couldn't imagine. Also NO where in Shanghai do people own dryers. Not even the wealthy they just hang up there clothes! Come to think of it that probably saves a TON of money economically. As a family we just went almost 6 months without a dryer and even though it was inconvenient I am sure it cut our electric bill. Something to indeed think about in the summer.

Last but not least... the CELEBRITY status... if u want to feel famous come to China. I have to of had my picture taken 50+ times and stared at continuously throughout the entire day. At one point their was a line of about 20 people trying to take me and my sisters picture!! At first it felt good then it started to become overwhelming.... just to think we still have 11 days to go. I guess its not easy living on the top ^_^

“Happy Baby 6 days VS. Sad Baby 7 days"

        My sister is a traveler. She has been to a lot of places. So after her return from her last trip out of the country I told her I wanted to be apart of the next. So I saved my money to go. Finally last year we decided 2012 would be our time, but also last year I found out I was pregnant....

I think all mothers when their baby is first born struggle with the feeling of guilt when first leaving them with a friend or family member to go out. Especially if the activity you are participating in isn’t recreational and not something you necessarily HAVE to do! The first time I went to a doctor’s appointment I felt guilty! I was rushing back home to see if my baby was alright. The first time I went OUT and stayed gone the whole night for my birthday I woke up at 7 a.m. to pump my breast-milk, sitting on the floor, head down near tears because I missed my baby so much and felt so bad for leaving him.

I am sure that you after having a baby have also had your moments of  guilt and maybe still do! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be there for your baby, but as mothers I think we forget to be there for ourselves! How can we make our baby happy if we are unhappy? I never want to look at my son and feel like he is the reason why I never get to go out when truthfully I am the one who won’t leave him even though he would be in perfectly good hands. So let me ask you, would you rather your baby be happy six days out of the week or an unhappy baby 7 days a week? Now in all honestly that baby is going to be happy without you anyway, but what you don’t want is for your child to enjoy being away from you more than being with you because you are always in a sour mood, tired, stressed and whatever it is you need a break to help clear your mind from. 

So my request to all you mommies is to give yourself some ME time. It isn’t a crime. You are NOT being selfish. In fact, you are taking care of yourself for your little one. When you come back from your little get away with your girls or a social gathering believe me you will give your baby enough love to make up for the small amount of time you were gone! 

     

        Now my trip isn't a small getaway. Its actually a 14 day tour in CHINA. So imagine the guilt I am feeling!! I am just SO glad I prepared myself little by little for this vacation. Even though the closer I get the more I hold tight to my little boy knowing I will miss him DREADFULLY, but this opportunity is vital for me. I'm not rolling in money and this trip was only possible through a great GROUPON deal that me and my sister were more than ecstatic to find. Once in a lifetime occasion, I may never get to go back! When I come home my little boy won't even realized how long I had been gone and he will greet me with that amazing toothless grin. As for me, I will be ten times happier making my baby just as happy!

So.... I can’t stress enough how important it is to LOVE ourselves.  Don’t mistake that for selfishness, because although I may go out and take time off from motherhood for a few hours, in THIS case days, I don’t ever take time off from loving my son. His NEEDS will forever come before my WANTS. That is just apart of being a mom.

“Yearning for Independence"

I am an independent minded person. I love when people do for me, but I always want to be able to do for myself. I first moved out when I was 17. I did fine and could of stayed gone, but I ran into some drama and wanted to move back home, or so I thought. Not even a year later I was ready to leave again. Unfortunately, the next time I left I got pregnant by my child’s father and things weren’t going well for us. Even though I wanted badly to stay on my own, I had to do what was best for my baby. Moving home gave my son a stable environment. I did it for him! 

Living at home isn’t easy. If your situation is like mine you know what I mean. The feeling of being dependent is a low blow to the self-esteem. All I think of is how it will be like when I get my own place and can actually afford it. It can be discouraging at times just thinking about how long it will take me to get that independence back since now I have to get it for not only myself, but my baby too. Everything is more complicated now.

Before having a child I could live paycheck to paycheck with no worries. If I lost my job a friend could take me in. Any couch or floor could be my home for a week or two while I got back on my feet. That of course isn’t even an option now. If my son doesn’t have to experience that i wont put him through it just because of my selfish desire to be on my own.

It doesn’t help when you have constant reminders that you aren’t where you need to be in life. I refuse to take it out on my son. He is NOT the reason why I am so behind. He didn’t ask to be here. I put him here. I love him enough to make this sacrifice, its just hard when the people you care about and who are supporting you make you feel as if you did something wrong by making the right choice.

For instance, I don’t go out often, but when I do my mother feels like she is ENTITLED to knowing where I go and who I am with. If I lived on my own she wouldn’t know any of that! If I want to do something I know she won’t approve of do I just lie to be able to enjoy myself for a night since she is VERY conservative ANYTHING i’d do wouldn't be acceptable to her. I hate that she makes me feel trapped and knowing I have to be here because I have my son.

 I’ll never regret having my son, but I do regret not being prepared for his arrival. I have been through so much in such a little time, but I know it won’t be this way forever. I am still young and I will make it through this. Apart of being a good parent is being responsible so no matter how trapped I feel I will remain dependent until Independence is the safest and wisest move for my child, because he deserves the best!  Where I am at now is the best I can offer!