“Yearning for Independence"

I am an independent minded person. I love when people do for me, but I always want to be able to do for myself. I first moved out when I was 17. I did fine and could of stayed gone, but I ran into some drama and wanted to move back home, or so I thought. Not even a year later I was ready to leave again. Unfortunately, the next time I left I got pregnant by my child’s father and things weren’t going well for us. Even though I wanted badly to stay on my own, I had to do what was best for my baby. Moving home gave my son a stable environment. I did it for him! 

Living at home isn’t easy. If your situation is like mine you know what I mean. The feeling of being dependent is a low blow to the self-esteem. All I think of is how it will be like when I get my own place and can actually afford it. It can be discouraging at times just thinking about how long it will take me to get that independence back since now I have to get it for not only myself, but my baby too. Everything is more complicated now.

Before having a child I could live paycheck to paycheck with no worries. If I lost my job a friend could take me in. Any couch or floor could be my home for a week or two while I got back on my feet. That of course isn’t even an option now. If my son doesn’t have to experience that i wont put him through it just because of my selfish desire to be on my own.

It doesn’t help when you have constant reminders that you aren’t where you need to be in life. I refuse to take it out on my son. He is NOT the reason why I am so behind. He didn’t ask to be here. I put him here. I love him enough to make this sacrifice, its just hard when the people you care about and who are supporting you make you feel as if you did something wrong by making the right choice.

For instance, I don’t go out often, but when I do my mother feels like she is ENTITLED to knowing where I go and who I am with. If I lived on my own she wouldn’t know any of that! If I want to do something I know she won’t approve of do I just lie to be able to enjoy myself for a night since she is VERY conservative ANYTHING i’d do wouldn't be acceptable to her. I hate that she makes me feel trapped and knowing I have to be here because I have my son.

 I’ll never regret having my son, but I do regret not being prepared for his arrival. I have been through so much in such a little time, but I know it won’t be this way forever. I am still young and I will make it through this. Apart of being a good parent is being responsible so no matter how trapped I feel I will remain dependent until Independence is the safest and wisest move for my child, because he deserves the best!  Where I am at now is the best I can offer!