“Surviving the 'Ex'"

Why is it that the woman who want the father in the child's life are the ones who have the dads who are M.I.A and the girls who give the guy a hard time have the dads who want to be there? Is it that guys just likes doing the OPPOSITE of what the girl wants or is it just a coincidence? I see this ALL the time and it saddens me. Why is it so easy for a man to walk away from his child with the most petty excuse. I commend the father’s who stick around and parent the child even if he is not with the mother, but if you’re in a similar situation that I am in then the father isn’t around and even at some point you might of felt as if it was your fault he was not. Maybe you even tried to encourage him to be around by sending pictures and asking if he wanted to see his child over webcam. I know I did. 

What you need to remember is it is not up to you whether or not he decides to co-parent with you. He has the last say in the matter. Even if the woman is giving him a hard time if he wants to be there HE WILL BE. Its not right for her to make it hard but his love for his child will make him do what he has to do... perfect example is the movie "Daddy's Little Girls” written by Tyler Perry. It shows a father struggling to do the right thing, but who never quits because of his love for his children. If you are a true parent you will fight for your right to be a parent to your child. The problem is children are nowadays being born so often into a world that was not ready for them. What was a stress-free romantic relationship has now turned into a responsibility one that many men are not ready for. As woman we tend to be more connected with our child through the pregnancy process and it is a lot harder for us to be able to walk away. For guys not so much in fact a lot of them walk away without blinking it seems and why is this? Should they even have that choice just because they weren’t ready? Was I ready to have a child? No, but I made it work, because it was my responsibility at that point. Unfortunately men have pride and they do not know how to admit to not having a clue. Someone told me, “Some people lack the courage it takes to admit their inefficiencies. We would like to be big enough to be honest with people about how we really feel, but that's difficult to accomplish when you're being dishonest with yourself. It would be wonderful if everyone were straightforward enough to outwardly admit that we don't want to be there for our children, but that takes guts...” And indeed it does. We think it. All the time. But have you ever opened your mouth and said, “I’m tired of being a mother. I hate not having the freedom I use to. I love my kid but sometimes I wish they would disappear!” Of course you probably haven’t but it is completely normal to feel that way. Trouble is some men are too proud to admit to being scared, or nervous instead they use anything they can as an excuse for not being there. In the end there is NO excuse. 

One thing I have came to grips with is the fact that as long as my child’s father still wants me back and is offended at the decision I made to leave him we will never truly agree on anything. Do I make it hard for him on purpose? Of course I don’t I just express myself like I would to anyone, but there is a pattern I have noticed in my ex and I am sure it is the same for most cases.

When he is trying to win me back during those moments of weakness where he remembers how I made him feel and he wants to have me again he can be the most understanding person in the world. He agrees with everything I say even admitting to the fact he was a jerk and still at times can still be one. We have good conversation and its so pleasant sometimes I don’t want to get off the phone, because I know it will only last for a moment. Soon he’ll be mad at me again and forget all the things he said. He will cuss at me and say how much he dislikes me, but its okay. I am use to this change in emotion that I call the “circle effect”. He gets to a point where I almost want to believe he has changed and then he circles on back right to the way he was before. I can appreciate the fact he hasn’t gotten worse, but I am highly aware that he has gotten no where near better either.

So how do we handle the “mood swings”. We don’t. You cannot allow yourself to care enough to try to work with him. Just see him for what he truly is even when you have that ten minute long conversation without yelling. Treat him like a child who will promise good behavior only to forget a moment later and act up.